Thanksgiving In Baltimore

 Thanksgiving was at the home of one of her step-dad's sisters. 

When she walked in the girl looked around and saw the kids playing in the living room. One little girl, about 6 years old, lay in the floor with her hands propping up on her chin watching TV.

The little girl's mother hollered out laughingly,  "You've got to see this!!!!  Rewind it again!!!"

The girl looked at the TV that the little girl was watching. It was porn.  Deep Throat. 

The girl wondered where her own mother was.  She found her in the kitchen with her step-dad and his uncle and uncles wife. The girls pastor from Illinois. The one who had introduced her mother to this family.

The girl felt sick to her stomach.

Ed - 6

 The nightmares had started in Michigan, followed her to Illinois, and then disrupted her sleep in Baltimore.  

She never knew when she might wake up outside or wake up to her own blood curdling screams. 

Ed accused her of things constantly.  Infidelity. The emotional and physical abuse haunted her sleep.

One night she woke running. She was running and screaming toward a bedroom wall. 

Defying gravity she felt herself up along the middle of the wall clawing and trying to climb up and away from someone or something before landing back down on the carpet.

She stood there for a minute her heavy breaths heaving her chest up and down. 

Then she turned and quietly went back to bed. 

1st Night In Baltimore

 The girl and her mother finally made it to Baltimore late at night. They spent that first night at her new step-dad's mother's mobile home.

The mobile home had 2 bedrooms.  

Upon arriving they all sat in the living room beside the front bedroom.  

Also there that night were two of the new step-dad's brothers and his mother's boyfriend.

There was a little small talk and then the step-dad's mother and her boyfriend went to bed in the front bedroom. The girl's mother and her new step dad went down the hall to the back bedroom. 

That left just the 15 year old in the living room with two grown men. No blankets, no pillows.  One of the men, the youngest, laid down on the couch to go to sleep.

The girl looked around wondering where she was supposed to sleep. There was a wide space on the floor beside the TV so she laid down there.

As soon as she laid down the other brother laid down RIGHT BESIDE her. He didn't push up to her but he was basically spooned up to her!

The girls body went stiff. Horrified.  What is he doing?she thought. Is this normal? Her mother didn't even say anything to her as she left her there with two men. 

She couldn't relax to sleep. She laid there without moving until she heard a noise and she turned her head to look and the youngest brother on the couch was acting out his dream in his sleep. The girl was shocked to see him thrusting into the couch and moaning.

Then from the back bedroom came the rocking as if there was a washing machine with a load off balance. And the squeaking of mattress springs. All the while a 34 year old man was happily snuggled up to the back of a 15 year old. 

The girl eventually was able to fall asleep but it wasn't a very restful sleep. She just wanted to make it through the night. She wondered, is this normal?? 

Ed - 5

 When co-worker's started seeing the bruises they told the girl that she needed to get away.  The girl knew she needed to get away. How exactly was she supposed to do that?  She had no money.  She had no family support. She had no friends.  

Not long before that though she had been chosen to be the person who went with the exterminator to spray the apartments for bugs. There had to be an employee with the exterminator when he entered apartments.  

David had blonde hair and blue eyes. He was a very nice man. He was probably in his late 20's to early 30's. (The girl was 18 by that point, close to 19 maybe. ) He was divorced and had a daughter about 8 years old. 

He had seen the bruises too. He asked the girl if she would like to move in with him.

The girl felt that even though she didn't really know him it surely would be safer.  She said "yes".  And, she was right.  He was a very nice man.  

David was not abusive in any way. He was a very good man. 

And, that was the problem. 

The girl was not accustomed to "normal".  And, she really didn't know how to react to it. She wasn't sure how to act.  And she felt very bad about herself for the things that she had gone through. She felt branded and like everyone could tell that she was "bad".  She desperately needed counseling but she didn't realize that. 

She wasn't with David for very long. She didn't do right by him. She fell into a very deep depression.  And, then she attempted suicide.  

She's Crazy!!

 Around 40 years old.

She was talking to her mother on the phone and expressed something to her that her sister had said that had upset her. 

Her mother became angry and disgusted and said "don't listen to her!!!  She's crazy!!!!" And then called her by her sister's name. Her mother was confused as to which daughter she was talking to. 

She had always known how her mother felt about her, but hearing her say it and hearing the disdain in her voice ......

Later she would tell her, "you're hard to love.

Ed - 4

 They were sitting out in front of the apartment building. The girl had never seen Ed look so nice. His hair looked neat and had hairspray on it. 

She wanted to pay him a compliment so she told him that he looked nice and gently patted his hair.

"Great!!!!  Thanks!!!  Are you happy now??", he screamed...as he used his hand to completely mess up his hair and then picked his nose and smeared it into his moustache.

Ed - 3

 The girls family wanted her daughter to spend time with them in TN. Now, her step-mother and little brother were coming to get her.

The girl was in a panic. She was afraid someone would end up getting hurt. She didn't want her family hurt. She needed to get away but she didn't know how. She couldn't tell them because she knew that Ed would be right there watching everyone.  She wondered if she could signal somehow. No. That would be too risky.  Her only hope was that her step-mother might sense the situation and come back with help and get her out of there.  The girl's fear was that her step-mother would be hurt. That his anger would be aroused because of her. Unexpectedly, it ended up being her brother that caused him to become angry. 

The exchange was very quick.  They came in and got the baby and her things and were ready to leave. The girl had missed her brother so much and her heart was just swelling with love for him.  Ed noticed. 

They turned to leave and said goodbye.  The girl raced upstairs to watch them leave hoping that they weren't really going to leave her there. 

She looked out the window. She heard Ed come into the room.  

"You wanted to sleep with him didn't you?", he said between gritted teeth. 

The girl looked puzzled.  

"Who?"

"Your brother!!!!!"

(He was only 13 years old!!)

The girl took a quick look out the window as their car slowly backed up out of the parking lot as Ed's hands slammed against her ears. She dropped like a sack of potatoes. 

The girl didn't notice that her ears were bruised. But at work....her co-workers did. 

Ed - 2

 One day Ed wanted the girl to make mashed potatoes.  He was in a very bad mood.  She knew that if she didn't do it exactly right that things would get very bad. 

She didn't know if he wanted real mashed potatoes or instant. She was too afraid to ask. She chose wrong. 

Ed walked into the kitchen and saw that she had not made what he had wanted. 

He screamed in anger and grabbed the pot of mashed potatoes and flung them onto the ceiling. 

He grabbed the girl and drug her to the door and flung her outside and locked the door. 

She sat on the step for about an hour.  No coat. No shoes. In the snow. 

He finally opened the door. All smiles. Let's eat!!

Ed - 1

 17 years old

The girl lived with Ed for 9 months. The story of how she got there can't be told yet becauseno one wouldunderstand. He was 45. He was mean. He was sick minded. The girl was terrified of him. She was so afraid of him that she was too afraid to even tell anyone because she was afraid that he would hurt the person she told. She did sneak off to a payphone once and called the police. She told the police that he was telling her that he was going to kill her. The police, "it's just words".  

Every day for 9 months Ed physically abused her in one manner or another.  Most things that happened in those 9 months she will never tell another living soul. 

But she had food.  Every day she had food. 

She had gotten a job at the apartment complex she lived in. Before she left her husband he had made her get a job. Her son was just a little baby. She hated leaving her babies with the baby sitter. The baby sitter was a young girl herself and also had a small baby. Her husband wasn't coming home until late at night. His sisters told her how to get set up on food stamps.  He was wanting to escape and leave her on her own. 

Ed lived nearby in another section of the apartment complex. He was a painter.

One day a girl that worked for the apartment complex wanted to be her friend. They were about the same age. The girl was excited to find a friend. But, the new friend showed up at her apartment one day. This was bad.  Very bad. Because it wasn't a safe place to be.

The new friend showed up unexpectedly and was let in. Ed was being friendly and smiling. Smiling and nice words was just a ploy for Ed to make you feel relaxed.  The girl had learned that him smiling could be very dangerous.  But her friend didn't know that.

Ed looked at the girl and said, "you need to use the bathroom.  Go now."

The girl was afraid for her friend. She couldn't leave her alone with him.  She told Ed that she didn't need to go to the bathroom.  

Ed smiled at her and repeated himself. She again said that she didn't need to go. He screamed at her "go to the bathroom now!!!!"

The girl started to head in that direction when her friend stood up for her.  She berated him for treating her bad. 

Ed grabbed the girl and flung the apartment door open and shoved her off the top of the stairs.

As the girl fell she could hear her friend screaming. 

The friend descended the stairs and told the girl that she needed to get away quick.  But the girl couldn't. She had nowhere else to go.  She had no choice but to go back inside the apartment and face Ed.

Ed. The one story the girl very rarely speaks of. The worst part of her life.

The Crayon Tip - 12/13?

"You've got one hour to clean your room," her dad said.

She looked around. It really wasn't dirty. It wouldn't take long. She picked things up and put them away. She got the broom and swept. 

Her dad had been keeping time. He appeared in the doorway. Everything looked fine.  Then he looked down. Right by his left foot. The tip of a crayon.  

Horror stricken she thought.. he put it there???

"What's this?" The anger flashed across his face. His brown eyes hard and beady as he slid it out of the loop s of his pants. After a few minutes still not satisfied he flipped it around and let the metal of the buckle land across her back a few times. 

 

Born Bad

 The girl had always felt unwanted. Unloved, unwanted, inferior, scum of the earth from birth.

She longed to be like other people who she called "the good people".

She supposed that they were just born good as she was apparently born bad. Could she do something to become one of the good people?  She didn't think so. 

She wished that it was at least not so noticeable. She felt like it must be marked across her forehead. Beware! Bad person! Mistreat and abuse at will!  She deserves it. She was born bad!

Sleeping Arrangements

 The little house had only one bedroom so the teen slept on the couch. 

She didn't mind. But every morning she was awakened by the girlfriend exercising.  The girlfriend would do toe touches, and her legs would be spread wide open as she touched first one toe and then the other. And because the girl slept on her side the first thing the girl would see every morning was the crouch of the girlfriends panties. 

The girl found this unpleasant.  

Her father used to lay in the floor in his underwear and have her rub his back, scratch his back and pound his back, butt and legs for an hour at a time. She took this time to quietly tell him that this morning routine was unpleasant.  Her thought was that maybe she could turn a different direction but he said that from now on the girlfriend would wake her up and she would go get in bed with her him.

She did this for 3 nights and she went to him again that this plan wasn't a good one either. Each morning as she got in bed beside him he would reach over and rub her butt thinking it was his girlfriend. 

And that was how she came to have her bedroom in the unfinished concrete basement on a cot with a kerosene heater for heat. It was the best sleeping arrangement and she was there until the attempts to end her pregnancy failed. At that point she was sent back to her mother and her mother's new husband.  And there the screaming night terrors and sleep walking started back up 

Meeting Dad's Girlfriend

 Once back in Illinois she was taken to her dad's house where he was living with his girlfriend. 

She was excited. She new the girlfriend was just 6 years older than her.  She thought that they could be great friends. And she would see how other people lived. She could learn how to be like everyone else!  She could then fit in to society and people her age. She was so tired a people telling her that she was weird or that her family was weird.  She was going to learn how to be normal!!

She arrived to their house at dinner time. She sat directly across the table from the girlfriend. Her father was to her right. The girl studied the girlfriend. Just being curious. Wonderingwhat she was like. The girlfriend didn't say anything. 

The girlfriend ate salad. The teen and her father ate a hamburger. The girlfriend had Thousand Island on the table and dad was putting it on his hamburger. Strange!  The girl asked about it and was told it was Big Mac special sauce. Oh!!!  Yum! She learned something exciting and new.

They ate in total silence. The girl would look down at her plate and grab her burger, lift it to her mouth to take a bite and her gaze would naturally go to the person sitting directly opposite her. The girlfriend .

After dinner the girlfriend went to the kitchen to wash dishes. 

"Go wash the dishes for her," her father said.

The girl jumped up and walked into the kitchen. 

"Dad wants me to wash the dishes," the girl shyly said.

"I can wash the dishes myself!!," she responded. 

The girl walked out of the kitchen and back into the dining room.

"I said, go wash the dishes for her!" her father said.

She turned and took 2 steps back into the kitchen.

"Dad said...

"NO!! She snapped.

Two steps back to the dining room.

"I SAID WASH THE DISHES FOR HER!!"

Two steps back to the kitchen.   

"I'm finished," said the girlfriend.

This entire scene unfolded two nights in a row. Each night no one talked. She ate salad. The girl and her father ate a hamburger. A struggle ensued over the dishes. Afterwards, just silence.

The third night. The girl bit into her hamburger and her gaze drifted up toward the girlfriend who never lifted her head to look toward her while she ate. 

All of a sudden the girlfriend jumps up screaming!

"She's staring at me!!!!  She hates me!!!!!"

The girl ran through her dad's bedroom to get to the only bathroom in the house, ran in, slammed the door and squatted up on top of the toilet seat trying to make herself small. Small enough hopefully that she would disappear.  

The door literally ripped off the hinge and there stood the girlfriend still screaming "she hates me, she hates me!!!"

Her father was right behind her gently pulling her back..."now, now, she doesn't hate you."

The best friends idea faded away from the teens mind. Nope. She was still a friendless outcast wanted by NO ONE 

Grandma's House

 Grandma took her from the foster home and brought her to her home in Ohio. 

The girl didn't show much emotion on the outside but she was so happy to be there. She didn't want to ever leave. Not ever. 

Her grandmother tried to talk to her about what was troubling her but she just laid her head in grandma's lap and sobbed uncontrollably. Grandma soothed the girls hair with her hand. Affection. She soaked it up. She felt loved. The girl thought to herself that she would be the girl her grandmother wanted her to be. She would make her happy. She wouldn't get into any trouble of any kind.

Unfortunately, unknown to the girl, the boy who had asked her to the prom was sending letters. She never saw any of them. Her grandmother was opening them and reading them. And apparently, they were vulgar. 

Also unfortunately, she had been seen walking to her aunts house smoking. 

So, one of the aunts took her bowling and gently let her know that grandma was aware of the cigarettes and that she was afraid that the girl would get pregnant under her watch. That couldn't happen. So, she would be returning to Illinois via a Greyhound bus. 

The girls heart was shattered. You couldn't tell it by looking at her face though. No emotion.  She was just dying inside. 

She was quickly put on a Greyhound. An older girl sat beside her and started up a conversation. Would you like to see a picture of my boyfriend she asked?  Ok, said the teen. The girl pulls out a Polaroid of her boyfriend laying on his back in a bed. Completely naked. She had actually never seen a naked man before.  She didn't know what to say. So, she didn't say anything. She just went back to scribbling in her notebook.  Her seat mate asked her, what are you waiting?  The teen flipped the notebook toward her where she could see it and proudly showed her that she was making little arrows to write her name. You know, cute little girly stuff like other girls her age probably did too.  The girl in the next seat suddenly asked, how old are you?  Fifteen, said the teen. Her new friend stayed mostly quiet for the rest of the trip.

The Prom 15 years old

 

She was asked to the prom by the first guy that ever took notice of her. She felt a moment of excitement followed by sadness. What is a prom like?  All of the other kids will be there too. She wouldn't fit in. But, it was a prom!  And she was asked to go!  She was a little apprehensive about it yet excited. Yes, she thought to herself. I will go to the prom. I will!

She continued walking home from school. She approached her mother at home and simply said, I was asked to the prom.

Her mother tilted her head back and laughed and sneered at her. YOU aren't going to a prom!!  She looked at the teen with contempt, ridicule and as if she had just made the most ludicrous statement that she had ever heard.

The teen just walked away feeling again as if she obviously wasn't like the other kids. An outcast. She never brought the subject up again. And she never had an opportunity to attend a prom again. It turned out that that was her only chance.

Years later she got to see what a prom looked like when her own daughter attended a prom. Her daughter even invited her to stay there with her. No, she just wanted a peak at what it was like. She didn't want to ruin her daughter's special night. She was excited and emotional that her daughter looked gorgeous and she wanted her to have great memories of that night. She got to see what her heart had yearned to see for years. A high school prom. 

1st Attempt

 15

The girl was walking down the sidewalk in the direction of the school.

She had her head down as she always did. Trying to hide her face. Trying to not be noticed. 

As she approached the street corner, out of her peripheral, she saw the car approaching the stop sign. 

She judged that the driver could possibly hit her if she didn't break her pace and just stepped out in front of it. The car wasn't moving fast. It wouldn't kill her if it did.  But, she didn't really care if it hit her or missed her. She didn't really care about anything any more. She didn't care if she lived. She didn't care if she died.

She didn't break her pace. 

She stepped out in front of the car. The car hit the breaks and she heard a wolf whistle.

She never looked. She never broke stride. She just kept walking. 

She didn't care that he didn't hit her. She wouldn't have cared if he had. The whistle bothered her. Couldn't ANYONE see that something was wrong?

Did anyone care? 

She wished that she could be invisible.  Or, maybe just fly away. Fly away to some place where she could just be on the outside looking in. 

The words from Bohemian Rhapsody always played in her head.... nothing really matters, nothing really matters, to meeeeeee.

Pull Your Pants Down

 15

There was a knock on the door. It was Richard, the boy from school who had a crush on her. 

Can you hang out? 

Her mother came and pushed to the front of the door. "No, she can't, " she said haughtily. "She's going to church!", her mother said.

Richard looked surprised and expectant. "Can I go!!!!", he asked.

Her mother was quiet for a moment. She didn't know what to do.  Quietly she said, ok.

Richard had probably never been to church before and he certainly wasn't familiar with a pentecostal church. He did well for being in an environment that tends to scare people to death who aren't familiar with this denomination.

They left church and went home and Richard went to his home.

They ate dinner. 

Afterwards the girl took the dirty dishes to the kitchen to wash as she always did. 

Next thing she knew her father was there in the kitchen with her. 

Pull your pants down and bend over. I'm going to spank you.

Pull her pants down at 15 in front of her father????  And, for what???  What had she done?????

"No.," she said.

He repeated what he had just said. 

Again she said "no".

He grabbed her by the throat choking her and dragging her out of the kitchen and into the dining room.  She couldn't breathe. She was gurgling.  

Someone was screaming.

He flung her against the wall. 

Her brother and sister ran and hid. One in the closet. One under the bed. 

Now, her mother was screaming call 911.

What?  She wanted some drama and retribution for having to take the little heathen to her church. Wasn't she happy now?  Wasn't this what she wanted?

No, it wasn't her oldest she was concerned about. She was scared for her own self and her two youngest. 

By the time it was all done and over with her mother, brother and sister were cutting up with the police officer. It was all just a big misunderstanding.  The girl had a good home, she was just unruly, but all was well. 

You Big Cow!!!!

 13? 14?

The girl was in the bathroom curling her hair for church.

Her younger sister ran in and said "it's my turn now!"

The girl only had one side of her hair done, so she told her she wasn't done yet.

"MOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She won't let me do my hair!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Her mother came running into the bathroom and charged her, slamming into her and sending her flying into the bathtub. "You big cow!!!!!", she screamed. 

Her sister never did any wrong. Ever

We Are Getting A Divorce

 13? 14?

Her mother was sitting in a chair in the living room. The girl was standing.

Her mother was explaining that her father wouldn't be moving into this new house with them.  And, why. 

There was no sadness or sorrow on her face. No anger. More like a giddiness.  

Remember the lady in Michigan that had the cook out with us and she had her husband and little girl with her???  Well, he slept with her.

Your baby sitter?  Yep. Her too.

Lots and lots of women.

Now he is sleeping with his secretary.  

The girl only had one thought. Who was she going to live with?

"Well, me of course," said her mother.  

The girls heart dropped.  She knew that her mother couldn't stand her. She made up a lot of lies about her. She made her feel really bad about herself.  Her dad did too. But, she wanted to know more about how other people lived. She wanted to be like other kids her age. She wanted her life to consist of more than just the church and the church people all of whom whispered about her due to her mother's wild stories about her.

Her mother saw the disappointment in her face and for a second she let the veil fall and she saw the deep contempt that her mother felt for her. It was all over her face. 

She didn't see her dad very much after that. And there was a stretch of time where she didn't see him at all and didn't know where he was. And when she did him it was because he was angry at her. The girl felt very alone in the world. Very, very alone.

...............................

The above was written by the view point of the young girl. She was extremely shy. An introvert. No friends. Living in a home with three very loud extroverts. They couldn't even go out to eat without making sure that every eye in the restaurant was on them. The mother was very turned off by shy people. She felt that there must be something wrong with quiet, shy people who didn't talk. She didn't like people who she felt may have something mentally wrong with them.  She also despised the secretary who she blamed for her husband's indiscretions. So, this is what she did; she found a way to keep the secretary in turmoil which kept the girls father upset and angry and had the girl punished all in one sweeping blow. And she did it in different ways and for a long time. She would make up stories about the girl. Call the girls father and demand that he come over and punish her. This would upset the girlfriend who would become jealous because he would be around the mother of his children and  would have a meltdown causing the father to become enraged before he ever got to the house to confront the girl. The girl would catch all the anger. The problem with lies is that you have to continue the lie. The mother repeated the lies so much that she believed her own lies. And they became truth. Eventually the girl believed that she must be a very bad person. Her life, and the lives of her children, were affected forever after. Unfixable damage. 

The Words That Never Go Away

 "Change your name.  I don't want anyone to know that I am related to you."

"Please move. People in this town don't like people like you."

"I only have one daughter. "

"Nobody likes you!"

"You're not a ____.  People in this family don't act like you.  Change your last name."

"I can't wait until you turn 18 so I don't have to provide for you anymore. "

"If you decide you want to leave.. don't come back.  Ever."

"Why do you have your hair down in your face?  You trying to look sexy or something?"

"Bwah ha ha!!!!!! Like mother, like daughter!!!!!"

"I'm sure you deserved being punched in the stomach with a baseball bat."

"I don't get it.  What's the big deal? You knew he was a drug addict. "

"You disgust me."

"You're the oldest. You are responsible for anything they do."

"Are you stupid, or what?"

"You're hard to love"

"I wasn't ready to be a grandmother"

"This is my soooo called sister...."

Counselors

  14 and 15

She was to meet with a counselor at the park. The teen was shocked to find that the counselor appeared to be just a few years old than the girl herself. 

The girl sat on one corner of a picnic table and the so called "counselor " stood near her.

"So, your mom says that she is having a lot of trouble out of you. What's going on?"

"I don't know," said the girl.

"What is making you act out?"

"I don't know."

"Every time you say "I don't know" I am going to smack your hand," counselor girl said. "Do you understand?"

The girl held out her hand and said.... "I don't know." And, counselor girl smacked her hand.

Counselor girl asked several more questions. The teen held out her hand and the counselor smacked it. 

In the end the teen won that little battle as the counselor grew weary of smacking her hand. And, she didn't have to "talk" to her again. 

Counselor number 2

Counselor number 2 knew her stuff. If the teen could have had time alone with her for awhile things may have turned out differently. This woman was a real counselor. 

The teen, her mother and her father sat in front of the desk as counselor number 2 asked simple questions. 

The teen never really spoke. She just sat and cried. Her father didn't really talk either, he just sat and cried too. But her mother was nowhere even close to crying. Her posture, words and attitude were all conveying not sadness but a coldness. Callous.  

The counselor said to her mother, "I see your daughter crying and her father crying but you are not.  Why is that?"

Her mother said, "Well, I have cried so many tears that I have no more left to cry."

We never went back to that counselor.  That was really unfortunate. 

Counselor number 3

This event changed EVERYTHING. 

The teen was taken to the church to have a counseling session with the pastor.

She was taken to a room where they were alone and the door was closed. 

He started talking about teen sex. 

"Two young bodys, glistening with sweat, thrusting and grinding until they explode in a climax that leaves them weak..." he said, speaking dreamily as if he was seeing it in his mind. 

The teen flushed as the blood rushed to her face. She felt heat run through her body. 

And, with the climax he was done with his "counseling" session. 

The teen walked out of the room thinking, wow....this sounds exciting! And, I have been accused of it for years!  Obviously other teens are doing this. She thought only married people did it!  She was so extremely naive and had no idea about the world around her. 

She left that room a different person. She determined that she was going to try this herself and see what it was all about. And she did. Soon after. 

Also soon after, it was found that the pastor had slept with a young woman who came as a visitor to the church after accepting her mother's invitation. Vicky. The mother of the two little girls the teen babysat. 

That pastor lost his license and a new pastor took over. 

His role in the teens life was even more damaging than the last pastor.

He was the one who introduced her mother to his nephew...who became her step-father...which took her to Baltimore and near starvation.

Six Flags and Camp Meeting

 15 years old

"Where are you going?, " asked the teen.

"Your brother, sister and I are going to Six Flags with the youth from church.  YOU are NOT going. You are a bad influence on the kids from church," her mother answered. 

Funny, she thought. The pastor's son is having sex with the girl at church that her mother wanted her to be like. In fact, half the kids at church are having sex in the church basement.  And, the girl....was still a virgin. But yet, she was somehow a bad influence on THEM. 

The summer of 1980 in Peoria seemed like the summer of hell to the young teen. The constant accusations.  It was continual!  

According to her mother she was basically a whore. Boy crazy. On drugs.  Smoking.  A fighter, constantly beating people up. Just an all around bad kid. A bad influence on anyone she was around.  Before the summer was over....the teen started to fulfill and become the things her mother constantly accused her of. Except for fighting. The girl never hit anyone in her life. Ever. 

During the summer of 1980 her mother and siblings went to the church camp ground for camp meeting.  

This particular year they didn't set up a tent. The kids all stayed in dorms with the other kids.  That was a foolish idea on someone's part. The boys all in one dorm with a door opening into the dorm where the girls were staying in. 

The teen was a loner. She didn't fit in well and stayed to herself. So, while all the kids were in their dorms the girl took a walk around the grounds and into the woods.  She loved nature. 

As she wandered around she ran into two boys about her same age. They were just kind of hanging out and were working on building a little camp fire. They weren't part of the church.  

They looked up as she stumbled up on their camp.  One of them spoke up and introduced himself as Charles.  He asked her if she would like to smoke some pot with them. She declined. But she did accept a cigarette. 

They spoke for a few minutes and then she headed back to the dorm. 

As she approached someone hollered out to her....your mom called your dad and he is on his way here!!

Terror struck her heart. She ran in and fumbled through her bag and pulled out a tube of toothpaste and quickly squeezed out a long line of it into her mouth to kill the smell of tobacco on her breath. 

She looked around.  WHAT is going on here?  A room full of girls of all ages and on the top bunk of one of the bunk beds was the pastor's oldest soon spooning with the girl her mother admonished her that she should be like.  The girl was a virgin but she felt sure that those two were having sex right there in front of everyone. Unbelievable.  

Then someone informs her to come outside. Her dad was there. 

He was in a good mood it seemed. He asked her where she went. She told him about Charles. She told him about them offering pot. She told him that she said no. She DIDN'T tell him that she had smoked a cigarette.  Heck, she didn't even know how to inhale.  He was satisfied and he left. 

She returned to the dorm where the teens who were such good influences on the kids and who the adults believed were so admirable continued to grind under the blankets while looking dully down at the kids below as if nothing in particular was going on up there. 

The teen was saddened. 

The Foster Home

 On the drive to the foster home the lady explained that the foster family were Christians and members of the Assembly of God church and that she would be attending church with them.  She would have no possibility of running away as they would be watching her very carefully and she wouldn't know anyone or know the area. 

The girl groaned inside. Great. Wasn't that exactly what she wanted to escape from?

They pulled up to the house and went to the door.  A lady let them in. She was very nice. She led the teen downstairs to a room with a couch and a TV. 

"You can sit here and watch TV," she told the girl. 

The TV was on but she didn't pay any attention to it. She immediately fell asleep.  She was filthy dirty. Especially her feet from running without her shoes. She was exhausted. 

Suddenly, she was awoken by a man's voice. He was angry!  Great. Feels like home already.

"We don't watch these kind of programs in this house!!," he said angrily. 

She looked to the TV to see what the offensive show was.  Dallas. She had never watched that show before but I think everyone in the country at that time was concerned about who shot JR.

Suddenly, the lady was there and she said, "you must be exhausted.  Would you like to lay down awhile and sleep?"

The girl nodded. 

The lady led her back upstairs to a beautiful bedroom. The prettiest bedroom ever. The girl was very impressed and couldn't believe that she was going to have such a pretty room to sleep in.

She immediately fell into a deep sleep. 

She had no idea how long she had been asleep or how much time had passed since she had come into this home but the lady woke her up and said... "your grandmother is here to get you."

Her heart swelled. She almost showed emotion as she thought of her sweet grandmother.  The only person in the world that loves me, she often thought.  She loves me so much she drove for hours to come and get me. The girls heart flooded with emotion.  She wanted to cry at the thought that she was loved by someone.

The teen never, ever, forgot what her grandmother did for her. 

You Can't Come In

 15 years old

Her mother blocked the doorway to the house.  "You can't come in," she said. 

The girl looked at her questioning. 

"You are a bad influence on your brother and sister," she said. 

"I need a suitcase," the girl responded. 

"No. Those are mine. You can't have my suitcases," the mother answered. 

The girl started walking down the street aimlessly. She had no friends. She didn't know where her dad lived. So, she just walked with no destination in mind. 

She hadn't walked far when she came across a boy she knew from school named Daryl.  He asked where she was going and she told him that her mother had thrown her out of the house and she had nowhere to go. It was evening now and she didn't know where she was going to sleep. Daryl invited her to his house to talk to his mother. 

Daryl's mother told the girl to go back home and ask to be let in and if her mother still wouldn't let her in to come back to her house and she would let her sleep there.

The girl walked back home and knocked on the door. Her mother answered. She asked if she could come in. The mother said "No. You are not coming in here. You are a bad influence."

The girl walked back to Daryl's house. His mother had a bed made up on the couch for her. 

The teen laid down and Daryl disappeared downstairs.

The girl laid there thinking for just a moment. The sheets smelled and felt clean. She didn't know these people but she was exhausted and she felt safe. She knew sleep would come easily and that was exactly what she was fixing to do. 

Then Daryl was standing beside her. Come hang out in my room for a few minutes.  

He led her down the stairs to his bedroom. 

He was insistent. She gave in.

Minutes later she slipped back up to the couch. 

The following night she decided that she wouldn't let anyone else know that she had nowhere to live. She would just keep it to herself.  

Not knowing anywhere else to go she snuck back to her mother's house after night fell and climbed up onto the roof of the aging building in the backyard. She thought that at one time it was probably a garage. Now, it was just a leaky wooden building where her mother used to store things she didn't have room for in the house. Like old family movies. One being the girl when she was a baby taking her 1st steps. She had only seen the movie one time but it remained ingrained into her mind forever. She could play it back as if it were recorded there. The little bald headed baby didn't look to even be ready to walk yet. Her legs bowed trying to hold up her weight as her mother held her by one arm. The mother let go and the baby sank to the floor unable to take one step on her own. The mother pulled her up and swatted her bottom, held her by the arm and once again let go. The baby sank back to the floor unable to take a step.  The mother pulled her back up and swatted her again. The baby started to cry. The process repeated itself several times before the mother gave up. 

Now, the teen laid on the shingles roof of the building and gazed up at the tree branch that extended toward the roof. I hope no squirrels or mice come up here, she thought to herself.  At least there were no boys. No strangers asking questions. 

She woke the next morning as she heard her mother's car start and back down the driveway. 

She came down off the roof and walked up to the side of the house, pulled herself up to the window and slid into the house and made something to eat quickly and hurried off to school.

It was finals that week.  

She slept on top of the roof 2 nights, slipped in and then went to school.

At one point her 13 year old sister noticed her and asked her mother why her sister was sleeping on the roof. 

The 3rd night she slept on the roof she waited for the car to pull away and she went to climb up the side of the house to get in, and use the bathroom and look for food, things didn't go well. Because just as she shimmied up to the window something distracted her and she turned her head just in time to see her father getting out of his car and running toward her.

She dropped to the ground and ran. He was chasing her. She ran as if her life depended on it. Because she felt like it did. At one point she lost her flip flop. She didn't stop. Just kept running.  She finally looked back.  He had given up. She didn't see him anywhere. That was close!

She went to school. It was the last day of finals. The last day of school. And her last class was art class.

She was just finishing up her painting as the class was ending. Her good looking art teacher approached her and he looked so sad. He kind of nodded in the direction of the classroom door. Someone there for her.  And, it wasn't anyone from the school.  She hung her head and without saying anything she left her table and walked out into the hallway with the lady. 

The lady led her out to her car and they both got in. 

"Where are we going?" the girl asked.  "I am taking you home," the lady answered. 

That seemed kind of stupid. She knew how to get home. She didn't need anyone to remove her from class to take her home, thought the teen.

"You can drop me off there, but I'm not staying," the girl answered. 

The lady repeated that she was taking her home. And, the teen repeated her response. 

The lady said that if she didn't want to go home then she would have to take her to a foster home. 

"Take me to a foster home," the teen said. 

And so, the lady did. 

Who's The Daddy Anyway

 The story was that the teenager was sleeping with so many guys that she didn't know who the father was. 

The truth was, when her father found out she was pregnant he demanded to know who the father was and she was afraid of what he would do. 

The truth also was that she had one boy that she really liked who she thought was the father. And there was another boy one time who provided her a place to sleep when her mother threw her out of the house and she had nowhere to go. And....she was raped walking home from an after school activity.  

But when the teen saw her daughter's big blue eyes she smiled because she knew who the father was. 

She tried for years to find him and eventually did.

She tried to find the identity of the man who raped her by checking to see if there had been other rapes of young girls in the area at that time. But she came up with nothing.

She never told anyone that she was raped until years later. She didn't think anyone would care.  They would probably blame her.  It would only make her situation that much worse. She felt very alone in the world. Very, very alone and unwanted.

Grass Is Beautiful

 Before her mother abandoned her there was an occasion where her step-dad took them somewhere one day. 

She sat in the back seat of the car. No one was talking when all of sudden you could hear a loud gasp from the back seat. 

Her mother turned to look at her startled. "What's wrong?", she asked. 

The teen pointed out the window. "Grass!", she said.

She saw her step-father's sneer in the rear-view mirror.  

She didn't mean to startle them.  It was just so very beautiful to see. It was just a small patch. But, it was grass.

Inner city Baltimore has no grass. It's just row house after row house. Nothing but concrete to be seen for block after block. 

You never know how beautiful grass is until you haven't seen it in a long while. 

Grass is beautiful.

The Candy Bar Wrapper

 17 years old

She sat down in the kitchen frustrated. 

She was hungry. 

She now had WIC and they brought so much baby cereal for the two babies that there was always plenty left when they brought more, so...she started eating it too. 

Sometimes she had milk and sugar to put in it but other times she didn't.  This was one of those times.

She tried water. 

It was terrible.  But, it was food. 

It was during this time that she started passing out. She would lift her head up and BOOM...down she would go. 

But, she was so used to not having food now that she really didn't think about it much. 

The passing out thing troubled her. She didn't know why it was happening.  She didn't have anyone to ask. 

One day she had some change and decided to take the city bus to the hospital to see if she was sick.

She wondered how she would carry two babies on a bus. They both had umbrella strollers. She sat and looked at them thinking. And she pulled one of her shoe strings out of her shoe and tied the strollers together.  Yes!  It worked.

She pushed them down to the bus stop and managed to get both of them and their strollers on the bus. And, off they went to the hospital. 

She went to the emergency room and told the lady there that she wanted to be seen. The lady asked what was wrong. The teen told her that she kept passing out. 

The lady said, "do your lamps talk to you?"

The girl said, "no".

"Do any of your other furniture talk to you?" 

The girl said "no".

"I'm sorry, there's nothing we can do to help you."

The girl was dumbfounded. 

She pushed the babies back to the bus stop and went home. 

At least she got to get out of the house. 

She always got so lonely. 

Her husband was late getting home from work every night. 

She would sit with the kids at the living room window watching for him. 

When he did finally come home he didn't even look her way. He was interested in the TV and nothing else.  

There was no chance of anymore babies any time soon. He said that her pubic bone protruded and hurt him so he wasn't interested in her anymore.  

The teen had a chocolate brown playpen couch though. It was used but the girl thought that she was really living the high life with that couch. 

But, she had an awakening one day.....

Her husband was wanting to go somewhere and he was taking her and the kids with him. She rarely left the house unless she walked pushing the two strollers. 

She went out to the car and slid into the Plymouth Fury. And, in the cup holder was a coffee cup! And, in the floorboard was a candy bar wrapper. Her mouth watered. A candy bar. How many years now since she had tasted a candy bar?

That was when it all clicked. 

When he left the house....he was eating.  He even ate candy bars!

She felt anger. 

She didn't say anything though. She never did. 

But the realization that she was the only one not eating had her emotions go crazy. 

She didn't know it at the time but she was at least 35 lbs underweight. 

Was it her age or the lack of nourishment that caused her to believe that all of this was normal? 

It was the coffee cup and the candy bar wrapper that opened her eyes.

Woman!!! 17 years old

There was a knock on the door. Surprised she opened the door to see who it was. No one had ever come to the house before.  She spent all of her days alone with the baby who couldn't yet talk. 

She opened the door to see her husband's father. He said that her husband was going to take him to get his haircut when he got off of work. Her father-in-law didn't have a car. Someone must have dropped him off there.

She let him inside and they both sat down at the kitchen table. 

"Woman!  I'm hungry. Make me something to eat." He said.

"We don't have any food," she answered.

"Woman!  I said, make me something to eat."

Again she responded that they didn't have any food.

"WOMAN!!!  If I get up and open those cabinets I better not find any food in there!" He said angrily. 

"Ok", she said.

He stared hard at her and pushed back from the table and slowly got up. 

She watched him walk over to the first cabinet and open it up. Empty.

He walked to the next one and opened it up. Empty. 

[She was somewhat nervous as she watched him. She knew nothing was there but what exactly would he do if there was????  She was afraid to think about it. ]

And the next. And the next. He's throwing them open now. Empty.  All of them.  Completely empty. 

He walks over to the refrigerator and opens the door. Empty.

As if on cue, her husband arrives home. His father tears into him.

His father has the teen and the baby get in the car with them and they go to a little burger restaurant.  He tells her to order what she wants. She ordered a cheeseburger, fries and Coke.

She grinned and tore into the food. She drank the drink and it tasted so good!!! It all was so very good!!

But, she couldn't finish it. She could only eat half and she was so full she couldn't eat another bite.

The father-in-law was FURIOUS!!! But, the girl didn't let it bother her. She was too excited about being in a restaurant and eating food. 

Run Paulie, Run!

 Around the time of her 17th birthday

He wanted her to walk the 4 or 5 blocks again to go to the store and buy him Nyquil. They lived down in Baltimore city and it was scary walking to the store alone at night. But, this time she didn't have to walk alone. She had her 11 year old half brother/nephew with her. 

They made it to the store and bought the Nyquil and were headed back home. 

She was wearing the coat her grandmother had bought her. A green winter coat and the hat zipped up and made her look like an Eskimo. The hat extended outward so that she couldn't see anything on either side of her. Her vision was limited to only what was directly in front of her. 

They walked down the sidewalk and passed a telephone pole and she noticed a shadow to her right. And the shadow was moving along beside her. She started to turn her head to see why but that was when she felt the blow.  A boy, probably teenage, had punched her in the stomach as hard as he could.  

She felt hands all over her as she doubled over in pain. They were going through her pockets!  Inside her left pocket was her husband's checkbook and a hundred dollar bill that her grandmother had given her for Christmas.  Her grandmother who had swollen hands from arthritis yet stuffed circulars into newspapers to earn money. She grabbed the outside of her pocket and made a fist.

Still doubled over she screamed "Run Paulie, run!!!!"

She saw him take off running toward her house and the hands let go of her and as she straightened up she saw the boys, about five of them, running up the street to the left of her.

She checked her pockets. The money was still there. The checkbook was gone.

She hurt.

She started walking back home. She thought that maybe her husband would be headed toward her to help her.  She made it all the way back home never seeing him.

She made it to the house and walked inside.  There he was, sitting in the living room watching TV and eating popcorn. 

Never taking his eyes off of the TV he said, "are you alright?"

"No." She said.

He continued watching the TV as she headed to the bathroom where she began passing huge blood clots. She was pregnant.  If he didn't care about her, surely he should care about his baby. 

It wasn't until she was much older that she understood why she was having to walk to the store to get Nyquil.  She knew he wasn't sick. It dawned on her one day that she wasn't old enough to buy beer. He could have driven to the store to get it but he apparently didn't want to. So, he sent her. She couldn't buy beer, but she certainly was old enough to buy Nyquil.