The Science teacher

 At about 14 she had a Science teacher that couldn't stand her. She realized that it could only be because she didn't like the way she looked because the girl didn't talk. In fact, sometimes she went so long without talking that when she did try to talk she could barely make a sound.. She had no friends. She just sat quietly in her seat.  The girl didn't like the teacher any more than the teacher liked her. She was boring and didn't appear to even know anything about Science. 

One day she was talking about electrical currents and how it all worked when you plugged in your lamp.  The girl glanced out the window and saw a bunch of kids out on the field playing soccer.  She looked back to the front of the room and the teacher was glaring at her.  It made the girl angry. Why had she singled the girl out to torment when the girl was so shy to begin with. She didn't bother anyone.  She didn't talk to anyone.  The girl defiantly looked out the window again. It was boys. Her eyes were bad and she couldn't make out what any of them looked like. But they were boys. Unfortunate that they hadn't been girls. Very unfortunate.   The teacher called her out and accused her of staring at the boys.  She hope to embarrass her.  The girl wasn't embarrassed.  She had learned to not show emotion and not care.  That may be why the teacher wanted to make sure that the girl was punished. 

The next day in gym class as the girl stripped off her shirt to put on her gym uniform she heard a bunch of gasping.  She turned to see what everyone was gasping about  and they were all looking at her horrified.  She looked confused.  One of them said, you have bruises all over your back.  She turned around and quickly got her uniform on and went out to the gym.  The bruises were from the belt buckle but she didn't want to talk about it.  No one would care anyway. 

She strongly considered going to the Science teacher and pulling up the back of her top and asking her, happy now?  But she didn't.  

Born bad

 The girl had dealt with a lot of hurt in her life way before she ever became pregnant.  She was convinced that for some reason she was just born bad. She didn't feel that she had ever really done anything bad but that she was just born wrong. No amount of doing good things could change that fact.  It was just that she was born to be despised and rejected.  

One thing that she was certain of was that it had to do with the way that she looked. (Her mother only liked people who were attractive and dressed well.) And, her birth order. Her younger siblings were better looking, funny and witty and always made their mother laugh.  She was plain, shy and an introvert. She didn't make anyone laugh. 

She couldn't change her birth order. She couldn't change her looks. She was who she was. But she did later work hard to make up a fake personality in order to make people like her more. She tried to please everyone.  She did what she was told by anyone who told her to do anything regardless of what they told her to do. She was the lowest life form on earth and she didn't deserve anything good or any decent thing.

She self mutilated.  She hit herself.  She made numerous attempts on her life. All in order to try and make the hurt stop. And because she felt that she needed to be punished because she was bad. 

She also learned how to "make herself go away"  When in certain situations she would pretend that she was someone else. Someone who was mean and hard hearted and didn't care. This person could handle anything that was done to her. She didn't care if they didn't like her.  She could also make herself go away in her own mind to another place.  A happy place. A peaceful place.  This ability was very helpful in delivering her 1st born natural. Along with, eventually, 2 more natural births. 

Blue Eyes

 She sat in the rocking chair with her baby cradled in her arms rocking back and forth.. 

Hush, little baby don't say a word, mamma's gonna buy you a mocking bird.  And, if that mocking bird won't sing, mamma's gonna buy you a diamond ring. 

Jesus loves me this I know...  

She would sing and sing to her little one. 

Elton John came out with a song and she loved the melody and because the song was about blue eyes, and her daughter had the most beautiful blue eyes ever, she wanted to sing that song for her.  She didn't know the words though. So, she would just sing, blue eyes, babies got blue eyes, and hum the rest.  

Years later she would look up the lyrics to the song and sit and cry her eyes out.

Blue eyes
Baby's got blue eyes
Like a deep blue sea
On a blue blue day

Blue eyes
Baby's got blue eyes
When the morning comes
I'll be far away
And I say

Blue eyes holding back the tears
Holding back the pain
Baby's got blue eyes
And she's alone
Again

Blue eyes
Baby's got blue eyes
Like a clear blue sky
Watching over me

Blue eyes
Ooh I love blue eyes
When I'm by her side
Where I long to be
I will see

Blue eyes laughing…

Yes, you are

 They stood upstairs in the hallway just outside the bathroom.  "I don't WANT to get married!!," the girl said.

"Well, you ARE," said her mother. The girls 14 year old sister tried to intervene and help but the girl hushed her and mother and daughter argued back and forth.

The day arrived though and her father came and a minister married the 16 year old and the 34 year old and her step-dad's brother became her husband and she then shared a mother-in-law with her own mother.  

She moved into a row house in downtown Baltimore with her new husband and a matter of days later her mother knocked on the door.  

"I'm leaving!  Just wanted to say goodbye.  I'm moving to Florida."

Plan 4 was accomplished. She would be rid of the teen and the baby.

I Don't

 July

He took her to the front parlor, a small room that had a bunch of windows looking out onto the nasty Baltimore street.  

Will you marry me?, he asked.

The girl was shocked. Marry???  She was only 16!  

"I don't, " she started to say but he wouldn't let her finish. She was trying to say, I don't want to get married!  But he cut her off by grabbing her arm and saying, come on, we have to tell our moms!

He pulled her through the living room and into the kitchen where he excitedly told her mother, and his mother, that we were getting married.

The girls mother bounced in her chair clapping her hands and squealing with delight. The girl looked at his mother. Her mouth had dropped open and she sat there in shock and dismay. The teen echoed her sentiments.  

July 2nd, 1981

 Finally, she went into labor. 

Once at the hospital they put her in a room.  Her mother sat to the right of her beside her bed and across from her was the door.  Standing in the hallway right outside the door was her nurse and dr who were arguing.  The nurse said, I disagree with what you are doing and I am writing it in her charts.  The dr told her that he didn't care what she thought or what she wrote, that he didn't feel like delivering a baby right then and he wanted the labor stopped.  And then the nurse came in and put something in her IV.  

Eventually, the baby was born though. And her first cry came out as "muh, muh, maaamaa!"  The girls eyes got wide as she thought, did I just imagine that?  And the nurse exclaimed, did you just hear that!!??  The young girl smiled. Yes, she heard it. Mama

The baby was 7 lbs 8 oz. and 22 1/2 inches long. She was beautiful  and looked just like her father with big, beautiful eyes. But most importantly, she was healthy.

Naturally, there were no "congratulations", flowers, or visitors. She was a teenage mother.  

The young girl may not have ever done anything right before, or after, this birth but she did do one thing right. She fought for this baby to have life even though it meant that everyone rejected her, scorned her, laughed at her, treated her bad and eventually...abandoned her. 

Heat wave

August 1981 Baltimore had a heatwave. She was now living in a row house with no A/C in Baltimore city.  It was ridiculously hot. The dr had put her on a strict 2 week bedrest due to his growing concerns about her steady weight loss.  She could only get up to use the bathroom  Her mother brought her soup to eat. This was a good experience for the teen. Food. She was too young to understand the risk to her unborn baby. She was too young to understand any of it.  At one of her dr appointments the dr checked her blood pressure and said that with her blood pressure she should live to be 100.  She was mortified!!  No!!, she said. I don't want to live but to 30!!  She had no idea what she was saying obviously but the thought of being as old as 30 was a horrifying thought to her.  She was young and very naive...and very pregnant.

Her breasts had become so engorged with milk that they constantly hurt and were raw from leaking.  She held them when she walked so they wouldn't move. She was miserable and the baby was 2 weeks late.  She looked down into the used crib that was empty and waiting for the baby. She hadn't thought much about what was going to happen once the baby arrived.  She assumed that she would continue living with her mother. After all, a handful of times of babysitting was not enough experience to know what to do with a brand new baby. She was going to need some guidance. 

Plan 4

 She lay on her mattress in the basement listening to her favorite song over and over. She heard his footsteps coming down the stairs. 

"He" was her "step-uncle". The day he met her at her mother's wedding he very openly flirted with her. She flushed with embarrassment.  Her mother seemed very excited about this. Part of her felt proud. She was only 15 and he was around 34. She didn't know what to think about it all. She had no friends that she could ask. She had no one that she felt cared except her grandmother and she couldn't ask her something like that.

The first night she and her mother arrived in Baltimore they moved in with her mother's new mother-in-law in a two bedroom mobile home.  One of her new step-dad's brothers slept on the couch where he acted out his dreams in his sleep leaving nothing to imagination about what he was dreaming about.  Her mother's mother-in-law slept in the front bedroom with her boyfriend and her mother and new step-father slept in the back bedroom. Their activities shook the whole mobile home like a washing machine with an unbalanced load. It was both embarrassing and disturbing for her as it felt like she may as well have been in the bed with them.

Looking around she saw that there was nowhere for her to sleep so she laid down on the floor in front of the couch. Immediately the brother who had been flirting with her laid down beside her.  She had so many questions running through her mind. Was this normal?  What was she supposed to do?? There was nowhere else to go.  She rolled onto her side and tried to pretend that she was somewhere else. This was creepy.  He lay behind her and snuggled up to her.  Eventually, she was able to sleep a restless sleep. 

Now in the house where no one could know she was there, she heard the familiar foot steps coming down the stairs as the Guess Who sang out "no one knows what it's like, to be hated.." He was the only person who ever came down there. She knew what he wanted. THEY knew what he wanted. Was that why they sent him down to her?  Was that what she was expected to do?

He approached her with flowers and a box of chocolate.  Food would have been a great gift that Valentine's day. Or maybe seeing the outside of the house would have been nice too, but food definitely. 

Plan 4 was coming together nicely for her mother. The teens small bust was swelling and the 34 year old was smitten.  Well, maybe another word would be more appropriate. 

Strike Three And You're Out

 Her mother got her out in the car and they took off down the road. The girl asked her where were they going.  I'm taking you to an unwed mother's home she said.

The girl didn't really know what that meant. So, my mom doesn't want me because I'm pregnant so she's going to give me to someone else to live with, she wondered.

Once inside they went into an office where they spoke with a lady at a desk. They wanted her to live there but she had to give her baby away.

The girl said that she would live there but she was not giving her baby away.

She was very nervous about living there not knowing anyone but they weren't going to take her baby.  

They left and she fully expected that she would be moving in there soon. She felt very rejected and unwanted. The day never came that she was taken back. She didn't realize it until much later. The whole purpose of homes for unwed mothers was to take the baby as soon as it was born.

So, within the 1st month or so of pregnancy there were 2 attempts to kill the baby and one attempt to give the baby away.

Little did she know that plan 4 was brewing. 

I'm Not Getting Out of This Car

 The mother of the kids that she babysat for showed up and asked her if she would like to just hang out and ride around for awhile. 

"Okay," said the shy teenager.

She had wanted to be just like Vicky when she grew up. She was really pretty.

After a few minutes she pulled the car into a parking lot and turned off the ignition.  

"Where are we?,"the girl asked.

"An abortion clinic."

"Oh, are you getting an abortion?", the girl asked.

"No. You are.," she responded. 

The teenager turned her whole body straight forward and looked at the windshield. 

"I'm not getting out of this car."

And, she didn't. 

Yes, I Am

" Hmmm," said the dr as he rolled his chair away from the examining table.  "Your pregnancy test says your not pregnant but your womb is hardened like you are. But...you are not pregnant so..

"Yes, I am", she said.

The pregnancy test came back negative. 

"I'm pregnant", she said.

Out in the parking lot she slid into the car where he said, "well, what did they say?"  

"I'm pregnant", she answered. 

*******************************************

Later that night she was told to move all of the boxes on the left side of the basement  to the right side of the basement.  She knew why. It hit her like a hammer to her heart.

*******************************************

That night as she lay in her bed in the basement, surrounded by brick walls and a KeroSun heater to her left at her feet for warmth,  she lay her hand on her belly and planned for the future.

She knew in her heart that the baby was going to be a girl.  

"You're going to be my best friend, " she whispered in the darkness, "and I am going to be YOUR best friend. We are going to love each other."

"It doesn't seem right that I am going to have to give you a name.  What if I pick something that you don't like?"

"I babysit for two little girls, Karla and Andrea. They are both really pretty babies. Andrea is the youngest and she's really easy to take care of.  I could name you that and you could pronounce it really fancy like AUNDREA. Or you could go by Ann.  Or, if you are tomboyish like me, you could go by Andy.  You have quite a few options so that you can almost pick your own name." 

She kept her hand on her belly as she drifted off to sleep.

"I love you Andrea. I can't wait until I can see you. "

The Step Dad

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The Brother-in-law

 A knocking on the door. It was the brother-in-law looking for our new step dad. 

"Where's my brother? Where's your mom?", he asked. 

"They went out to eat." They did this often.

"Have you three eaten?", he asked.

"No", they said.

The brother-in-law was very upset.

He fed us. He became our hero that day.

The Cafeteria

 She took her 3 kids up to the World Trade Center where her new mother-in-law ran the cafeteria.  She set them all at a table and whispered to them that they may be able to eat for free. The mother-in-law came over and sat down and made small talk.  The 15 year old studied her face. She's not happy we're here. She isn't going to feed us.

The mother-in-law jumped up to tend to her job and the mother said, let's wait a little longer. 

They sat for an hour or so in the hopes that the mother-in-law would let them eat, all the while smelling the food all around them and seeing the customers pull their loaded up plates towards them to dig in. 

The 15 year old wanted to just cry. But, she didn't. She kept her emotions in check as they left the cafeteria still hungry. Very hungry.

They're here!!

" They're here! They're here!", she heard her mom excitedly squeal. She ran into the living room to see her mom clapping her hands together looking out the window.

"Who's here?", she asked?  

"Your brother and sister", she beamed happily. 

The girl felt her jaw drop and her heart sank. Why would she bring her two younger siblings to this hell hole? If they wouldn't, or couldn't, feed her then how would they feed her siblings? Why would she want them to come here? 

Later when she was older she wonders why she didn't tell her dad, please don't leave them here. Please don't.  But she didn't. As usual, she kept her mouth shut. Why? Why didn't she speak up.. 

Empty Places

 She sat on the bench in the withering heat of  a hot summer day.  In front of her was a wooden cross marking the spot where her son lay.

Perspiration dotted her forehead and her lower lip started to tremble.  The pictures flashed before her eyes.  The words. The pain. The little video clips rolling in her minds eye.

She knelt on the living room floor and put on his little pants and then his shirt and she looked down lovingly at him with a soft smile.  Her daughter sat to her left, very closely snuggled up to her, and she looked down too.  "Mommy, I miss my baby brother" she said as tears rolled down her little face.  "Me too" she said softly while looking at the baby clothes laying on the floor.  Clothes neatly arranged, but no baby.  She gathered the clothes up in her arms and rocked them for awhile.

Clothes but no baby and a grave with no body.

Empty places in her heart.