The girl had dealt with a lot of hurt in her life way before she ever became pregnant. She was convinced that for some reason she was just born bad. She didn't feel that she had ever really done anything bad but that she was just born wrong. No amount of doing good things could change that fact. It was just that she was born to be despised and rejected.
One thing that she was certain of was that it had to do with the way that she looked. (Her mother only liked people who were attractive and dressed well.) And, her birth order. Her younger siblings were better looking, funny and witty and always made their mother laugh. She was plain, shy and an introvert. She didn't make anyone laugh.
She couldn't change her birth order. She couldn't change her looks. She was who she was. But she did later work hard to make up a fake personality in order to make people like her more. She tried to please everyone. She did what she was told by anyone who told her to do anything regardless of what they told her to do. She was the lowest life form on earth and she didn't deserve anything good or any decent thing.
She self mutilated. She hit herself. She made numerous attempts on her life. All in order to try and make the hurt stop. And because she felt that she needed to be punished because she was bad.
She also learned how to "make herself go away" When in certain situations she would pretend that she was someone else. Someone who was mean and hard hearted and didn't care. This person could handle anything that was done to her. She didn't care if they didn't like her. She could also make herself go away in her own mind to another place. A happy place. A peaceful place. This ability was very helpful in delivering her 1st born natural. Along with, eventually, 2 more natural births.
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