1st Attempt

 15

The girl was walking down the sidewalk in the direction of the school.

She had her head down as she always did. Trying to hide her face. Trying to not be noticed. 

As she approached the street corner, out of her peripheral, she saw the car approaching the stop sign. 

She judged that the driver could possibly hit her if she didn't break her pace and just stepped out in front of it. The car wasn't moving fast. It wouldn't kill her if it did.  But, she didn't really care if it hit her or missed her. She didn't really care about anything any more. She didn't care if she lived. She didn't care if she died.

She didn't break her pace. 

She stepped out in front of the car. The car hit the breaks and she heard a wolf whistle.

She never looked. She never broke stride. She just kept walking. 

She didn't care that he didn't hit her. She wouldn't have cared if he had. The whistle bothered her. Couldn't ANYONE see that something was wrong?

Did anyone care? 

She wished that she could be invisible.  Or, maybe just fly away. Fly away to some place where she could just be on the outside looking in. 

The words from Bohemian Rhapsody always played in her head.... nothing really matters, nothing really matters, to meeeeeee.

Pull Your Pants Down

 15

There was a knock on the door. It was Richard, the boy from school who had a crush on her. 

Can you hang out? 

Her mother came and pushed to the front of the door. "No, she can't, " she said haughtily. "She's going to church!", her mother said.

Richard looked surprised and expectant. "Can I go!!!!", he asked.

Her mother was quiet for a moment. She didn't know what to do.  Quietly she said, ok.

Richard had probably never been to church before and he certainly wasn't familiar with a pentecostal church. He did well for being in an environment that tends to scare people to death who aren't familiar with this denomination.

They left church and went home and Richard went to his home.

They ate dinner. 

Afterwards the girl took the dirty dishes to the kitchen to wash as she always did. 

Next thing she knew her father was there in the kitchen with her. 

Pull your pants down and bend over. I'm going to spank you.

Pull her pants down at 15 in front of her father????  And, for what???  What had she done?????

"No.," she said.

He repeated what he had just said. 

Again she said "no".

He grabbed her by the throat choking her and dragging her out of the kitchen and into the dining room.  She couldn't breathe. She was gurgling.  

Someone was screaming.

He flung her against the wall. 

Her brother and sister ran and hid. One in the closet. One under the bed. 

Now, her mother was screaming call 911.

What?  She wanted some drama and retribution for having to take the little heathen to her church. Wasn't she happy now?  Wasn't this what she wanted?

No, it wasn't her oldest she was concerned about. She was scared for her own self and her two youngest. 

By the time it was all done and over with her mother, brother and sister were cutting up with the police officer. It was all just a big misunderstanding.  The girl had a good home, she was just unruly, but all was well. 

You Big Cow!!!!

 13? 14?

The girl was in the bathroom curling her hair for church.

Her younger sister ran in and said "it's my turn now!"

The girl only had one side of her hair done, so she told her she wasn't done yet.

"MOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She won't let me do my hair!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Her mother came running into the bathroom and charged her, slamming into her and sending her flying into the bathtub. "You big cow!!!!!", she screamed. 

Her sister never did any wrong. Ever

We Are Getting A Divorce

 13? 14?

Her mother was sitting in a chair in the living room. The girl was standing.

Her mother was explaining that her father wouldn't be moving into this new house with them.  And, why. 

There was no sadness or sorrow on her face. No anger. More like a giddiness.  

Remember the lady in Michigan that had the cook out with us and she had her husband and little girl with her???  Well, he slept with her.

Your baby sitter?  Yep. Her too.

Lots and lots of women.

Now he is sleeping with his secretary.  

The girl only had one thought. Who was she going to live with?

"Well, me of course," said her mother.  

The girls heart dropped.  She knew that her mother couldn't stand her. She made up a lot of lies about her. She made her feel really bad about herself.  Her dad did too. But, she wanted to know more about how other people lived. She wanted to be like other kids her age. She wanted her life to consist of more than just the church and the church people all of whom whispered about her due to her mother's wild stories about her.

Her mother saw the disappointment in her face and for a second she let the veil fall and she saw the deep contempt that her mother felt for her. It was all over her face. 

She didn't see her dad very much after that. And there was a stretch of time where she didn't see him at all and didn't know where he was. And when she did him it was because he was angry at her. The girl felt very alone in the world. Very, very alone.

...............................

The above was written by the view point of the young girl. She was extremely shy. An introvert. No friends. Living in a home with three very loud extroverts. They couldn't even go out to eat without making sure that every eye in the restaurant was on them. The mother was very turned off by shy people. She felt that there must be something wrong with quiet, shy people who didn't talk. She didn't like people who she felt may have something mentally wrong with them.  She also despised the secretary who she blamed for her husband's indiscretions. So, this is what she did; she found a way to keep the secretary in turmoil which kept the girls father upset and angry and had the girl punished all in one sweeping blow. And she did it in different ways and for a long time. She would make up stories about the girl. Call the girls father and demand that he come over and punish her. This would upset the girlfriend who would become jealous because he would be around the mother of his children and  would have a meltdown causing the father to become enraged before he ever got to the house to confront the girl. The girl would catch all the anger. The problem with lies is that you have to continue the lie. The mother repeated the lies so much that she believed her own lies. And they became truth. Eventually the girl believed that she must be a very bad person. Her life, and the lives of her children, were affected forever after. Unfixable damage. 

The Words That Never Go Away

 "Change your name.  I don't want anyone to know that I am related to you."

"Please move. People in this town don't like people like you."

"I only have one daughter. "

"Nobody likes you!"

"You're not a ____.  People in this family don't act like you.  Change your last name."

"I can't wait until you turn 18 so I don't have to provide for you anymore. "

"If you decide you want to leave.. don't come back.  Ever."

"Why do you have your hair down in your face?  You trying to look sexy or something?"

"Bwah ha ha!!!!!! Like mother, like daughter!!!!!"

"I'm sure you deserved being punched in the stomach with a baseball bat."

"I don't get it.  What's the big deal? You knew he was a drug addict. "

"You disgust me."

"You're the oldest. You are responsible for anything they do."

"Are you stupid, or what?"

"You're hard to love"

"I wasn't ready to be a grandmother"

"This is my soooo called sister...."

Counselors

  14 and 15

She was to meet with a counselor at the park. The teen was shocked to find that the counselor appeared to be just a few years old than the girl herself. 

The girl sat on one corner of a picnic table and the so called "counselor " stood near her.

"So, your mom says that she is having a lot of trouble out of you. What's going on?"

"I don't know," said the girl.

"What is making you act out?"

"I don't know."

"Every time you say "I don't know" I am going to smack your hand," counselor girl said. "Do you understand?"

The girl held out her hand and said.... "I don't know." And, counselor girl smacked her hand.

Counselor girl asked several more questions. The teen held out her hand and the counselor smacked it. 

In the end the teen won that little battle as the counselor grew weary of smacking her hand. And, she didn't have to "talk" to her again. 

Counselor number 2

Counselor number 2 knew her stuff. If the teen could have had time alone with her for awhile things may have turned out differently. This woman was a real counselor. 

The teen, her mother and her father sat in front of the desk as counselor number 2 asked simple questions. 

The teen never really spoke. She just sat and cried. Her father didn't really talk either, he just sat and cried too. But her mother was nowhere even close to crying. Her posture, words and attitude were all conveying not sadness but a coldness. Callous.  

The counselor said to her mother, "I see your daughter crying and her father crying but you are not.  Why is that?"

Her mother said, "Well, I have cried so many tears that I have no more left to cry."

We never went back to that counselor.  That was really unfortunate. 

Counselor number 3

This event changed EVERYTHING. 

The teen was taken to the church to have a counseling session with the pastor.

She was taken to a room where they were alone and the door was closed. 

He started talking about teen sex. 

"Two young bodys, glistening with sweat, thrusting and grinding until they explode in a climax that leaves them weak..." he said, speaking dreamily as if he was seeing it in his mind. 

The teen flushed as the blood rushed to her face. She felt heat run through her body. 

And, with the climax he was done with his "counseling" session. 

The teen walked out of the room thinking, wow....this sounds exciting! And, I have been accused of it for years!  Obviously other teens are doing this. She thought only married people did it!  She was so extremely naive and had no idea about the world around her. 

She left that room a different person. She determined that she was going to try this herself and see what it was all about. And she did. Soon after. 

Also soon after, it was found that the pastor had slept with a young woman who came as a visitor to the church after accepting her mother's invitation. Vicky. The mother of the two little girls the teen babysat. 

That pastor lost his license and a new pastor took over. 

His role in the teens life was even more damaging than the last pastor.

He was the one who introduced her mother to his nephew...who became her step-father...which took her to Baltimore and near starvation.

Six Flags and Camp Meeting

 15 years old

"Where are you going?, " asked the teen.

"Your brother, sister and I are going to Six Flags with the youth from church.  YOU are NOT going. You are a bad influence on the kids from church," her mother answered. 

Funny, she thought. The pastor's son is having sex with the girl at church that her mother wanted her to be like. In fact, half the kids at church are having sex in the church basement.  And, the girl....was still a virgin. But yet, she was somehow a bad influence on THEM. 

The summer of 1980 in Peoria seemed like the summer of hell to the young teen. The constant accusations.  It was continual!  

According to her mother she was basically a whore. Boy crazy. On drugs.  Smoking.  A fighter, constantly beating people up. Just an all around bad kid. A bad influence on anyone she was around.  Before the summer was over....the teen started to fulfill and become the things her mother constantly accused her of. Except for fighting. The girl never hit anyone in her life. Ever. 

During the summer of 1980 her mother and siblings went to the church camp ground for camp meeting.  

This particular year they didn't set up a tent. The kids all stayed in dorms with the other kids.  That was a foolish idea on someone's part. The boys all in one dorm with a door opening into the dorm where the girls were staying in. 

The teen was a loner. She didn't fit in well and stayed to herself. So, while all the kids were in their dorms the girl took a walk around the grounds and into the woods.  She loved nature. 

As she wandered around she ran into two boys about her same age. They were just kind of hanging out and were working on building a little camp fire. They weren't part of the church.  

They looked up as she stumbled up on their camp.  One of them spoke up and introduced himself as Charles.  He asked her if she would like to smoke some pot with them. She declined. But she did accept a cigarette. 

They spoke for a few minutes and then she headed back to the dorm. 

As she approached someone hollered out to her....your mom called your dad and he is on his way here!!

Terror struck her heart. She ran in and fumbled through her bag and pulled out a tube of toothpaste and quickly squeezed out a long line of it into her mouth to kill the smell of tobacco on her breath. 

She looked around.  WHAT is going on here?  A room full of girls of all ages and on the top bunk of one of the bunk beds was the pastor's oldest soon spooning with the girl her mother admonished her that she should be like.  The girl was a virgin but she felt sure that those two were having sex right there in front of everyone. Unbelievable.  

Then someone informs her to come outside. Her dad was there. 

He was in a good mood it seemed. He asked her where she went. She told him about Charles. She told him about them offering pot. She told him that she said no. She DIDN'T tell him that she had smoked a cigarette.  Heck, she didn't even know how to inhale.  He was satisfied and he left. 

She returned to the dorm where the teens who were such good influences on the kids and who the adults believed were so admirable continued to grind under the blankets while looking dully down at the kids below as if nothing in particular was going on up there. 

The teen was saddened. 

The Foster Home

 On the drive to the foster home the lady explained that the foster family were Christians and members of the Assembly of God church and that she would be attending church with them.  She would have no possibility of running away as they would be watching her very carefully and she wouldn't know anyone or know the area. 

The girl groaned inside. Great. Wasn't that exactly what she wanted to escape from?

They pulled up to the house and went to the door.  A lady let them in. She was very nice. She led the teen downstairs to a room with a couch and a TV. 

"You can sit here and watch TV," she told the girl. 

The TV was on but she didn't pay any attention to it. She immediately fell asleep.  She was filthy dirty. Especially her feet from running without her shoes. She was exhausted. 

Suddenly, she was awoken by a man's voice. He was angry!  Great. Feels like home already.

"We don't watch these kind of programs in this house!!," he said angrily. 

She looked to the TV to see what the offensive show was.  Dallas. She had never watched that show before but I think everyone in the country at that time was concerned about who shot JR.

Suddenly, the lady was there and she said, "you must be exhausted.  Would you like to lay down awhile and sleep?"

The girl nodded. 

The lady led her back upstairs to a beautiful bedroom. The prettiest bedroom ever. The girl was very impressed and couldn't believe that she was going to have such a pretty room to sleep in.

She immediately fell into a deep sleep. 

She had no idea how long she had been asleep or how much time had passed since she had come into this home but the lady woke her up and said... "your grandmother is here to get you."

Her heart swelled. She almost showed emotion as she thought of her sweet grandmother.  The only person in the world that loves me, she often thought.  She loves me so much she drove for hours to come and get me. The girls heart flooded with emotion.  She wanted to cry at the thought that she was loved by someone.

The teen never, ever, forgot what her grandmother did for her. 

You Can't Come In

 15 years old

Her mother blocked the doorway to the house.  "You can't come in," she said. 

The girl looked at her questioning. 

"You are a bad influence on your brother and sister," she said. 

"I need a suitcase," the girl responded. 

"No. Those are mine. You can't have my suitcases," the mother answered. 

The girl started walking down the street aimlessly. She had no friends. She didn't know where her dad lived. So, she just walked with no destination in mind. 

She hadn't walked far when she came across a boy she knew from school named Daryl.  He asked where she was going and she told him that her mother had thrown her out of the house and she had nowhere to go. It was evening now and she didn't know where she was going to sleep. Daryl invited her to his house to talk to his mother. 

Daryl's mother told the girl to go back home and ask to be let in and if her mother still wouldn't let her in to come back to her house and she would let her sleep there.

The girl walked back home and knocked on the door. Her mother answered. She asked if she could come in. The mother said "No. You are not coming in here. You are a bad influence."

The girl walked back to Daryl's house. His mother had a bed made up on the couch for her. 

The teen laid down and Daryl disappeared downstairs.

The girl laid there thinking for just a moment. The sheets smelled and felt clean. She didn't know these people but she was exhausted and she felt safe. She knew sleep would come easily and that was exactly what she was fixing to do. 

Then Daryl was standing beside her. Come hang out in my room for a few minutes.  

He led her down the stairs to his bedroom. 

He was insistent. She gave in.

Minutes later she slipped back up to the couch. 

The following night she decided that she wouldn't let anyone else know that she had nowhere to live. She would just keep it to herself.  

Not knowing anywhere else to go she snuck back to her mother's house after night fell and climbed up onto the roof of the aging building in the backyard. She thought that at one time it was probably a garage. Now, it was just a leaky wooden building where her mother used to store things she didn't have room for in the house. Like old family movies. One being the girl when she was a baby taking her 1st steps. She had only seen the movie one time but it remained ingrained into her mind forever. She could play it back as if it were recorded there. The little bald headed baby didn't look to even be ready to walk yet. Her legs bowed trying to hold up her weight as her mother held her by one arm. The mother let go and the baby sank to the floor unable to take one step on her own. The mother pulled her up and swatted her bottom, held her by the arm and once again let go. The baby sank back to the floor unable to take a step.  The mother pulled her back up and swatted her again. The baby started to cry. The process repeated itself several times before the mother gave up. 

Now, the teen laid on the shingles roof of the building and gazed up at the tree branch that extended toward the roof. I hope no squirrels or mice come up here, she thought to herself.  At least there were no boys. No strangers asking questions. 

She woke the next morning as she heard her mother's car start and back down the driveway. 

She came down off the roof and walked up to the side of the house, pulled herself up to the window and slid into the house and made something to eat quickly and hurried off to school.

It was finals that week.  

She slept on top of the roof 2 nights, slipped in and then went to school.

At one point her 13 year old sister noticed her and asked her mother why her sister was sleeping on the roof. 

The 3rd night she slept on the roof she waited for the car to pull away and she went to climb up the side of the house to get in, and use the bathroom and look for food, things didn't go well. Because just as she shimmied up to the window something distracted her and she turned her head just in time to see her father getting out of his car and running toward her.

She dropped to the ground and ran. He was chasing her. She ran as if her life depended on it. Because she felt like it did. At one point she lost her flip flop. She didn't stop. Just kept running.  She finally looked back.  He had given up. She didn't see him anywhere. That was close!

She went to school. It was the last day of finals. The last day of school. And her last class was art class.

She was just finishing up her painting as the class was ending. Her good looking art teacher approached her and he looked so sad. He kind of nodded in the direction of the classroom door. Someone there for her.  And, it wasn't anyone from the school.  She hung her head and without saying anything she left her table and walked out into the hallway with the lady. 

The lady led her out to her car and they both got in. 

"Where are we going?" the girl asked.  "I am taking you home," the lady answered. 

That seemed kind of stupid. She knew how to get home. She didn't need anyone to remove her from class to take her home, thought the teen.

"You can drop me off there, but I'm not staying," the girl answered. 

The lady repeated that she was taking her home. And, the teen repeated her response. 

The lady said that if she didn't want to go home then she would have to take her to a foster home. 

"Take me to a foster home," the teen said. 

And so, the lady did. 

Who's The Daddy Anyway

 The story was that the teenager was sleeping with so many guys that she didn't know who the father was. 

The truth was, when her father found out she was pregnant he demanded to know who the father was and she was afraid of what he would do. 

The truth also was that she had one boy that she really liked who she thought was the father. And there was another boy one time who provided her a place to sleep when her mother threw her out of the house and she had nowhere to go. And....she was raped walking home from an after school activity.  

But when the teen saw her daughter's big blue eyes she smiled because she knew who the father was. 

She tried for years to find him and eventually did.

She tried to find the identity of the man who raped her by checking to see if there had been other rapes of young girls in the area at that time. But she came up with nothing.

She never told anyone that she was raped until years later. She didn't think anyone would care.  They would probably blame her.  It would only make her situation that much worse. She felt very alone in the world. Very, very alone and unwanted.

Grass Is Beautiful

 Before her mother abandoned her there was an occasion where her step-dad took them somewhere one day. 

She sat in the back seat of the car. No one was talking when all of sudden you could hear a loud gasp from the back seat. 

Her mother turned to look at her startled. "What's wrong?", she asked. 

The teen pointed out the window. "Grass!", she said.

She saw her step-father's sneer in the rear-view mirror.  

She didn't mean to startle them.  It was just so very beautiful to see. It was just a small patch. But, it was grass.

Inner city Baltimore has no grass. It's just row house after row house. Nothing but concrete to be seen for block after block. 

You never know how beautiful grass is until you haven't seen it in a long while. 

Grass is beautiful.

The Candy Bar Wrapper

 17 years old

She sat down in the kitchen frustrated. 

She was hungry. 

She now had WIC and they brought so much baby cereal for the two babies that there was always plenty left when they brought more, so...she started eating it too. 

Sometimes she had milk and sugar to put in it but other times she didn't.  This was one of those times.

She tried water. 

It was terrible.  But, it was food. 

It was during this time that she started passing out. She would lift her head up and BOOM...down she would go. 

But, she was so used to not having food now that she really didn't think about it much. 

The passing out thing troubled her. She didn't know why it was happening.  She didn't have anyone to ask. 

One day she had some change and decided to take the city bus to the hospital to see if she was sick.

She wondered how she would carry two babies on a bus. They both had umbrella strollers. She sat and looked at them thinking. And she pulled one of her shoe strings out of her shoe and tied the strollers together.  Yes!  It worked.

She pushed them down to the bus stop and managed to get both of them and their strollers on the bus. And, off they went to the hospital. 

She went to the emergency room and told the lady there that she wanted to be seen. The lady asked what was wrong. The teen told her that she kept passing out. 

The lady said, "do your lamps talk to you?"

The girl said, "no".

"Do any of your other furniture talk to you?" 

The girl said "no".

"I'm sorry, there's nothing we can do to help you."

The girl was dumbfounded. 

She pushed the babies back to the bus stop and went home. 

At least she got to get out of the house. 

She always got so lonely. 

Her husband was late getting home from work every night. 

She would sit with the kids at the living room window watching for him. 

When he did finally come home he didn't even look her way. He was interested in the TV and nothing else.  

There was no chance of anymore babies any time soon. He said that her pubic bone protruded and hurt him so he wasn't interested in her anymore.  

The teen had a chocolate brown playpen couch though. It was used but the girl thought that she was really living the high life with that couch. 

But, she had an awakening one day.....

Her husband was wanting to go somewhere and he was taking her and the kids with him. She rarely left the house unless she walked pushing the two strollers. 

She went out to the car and slid into the Plymouth Fury. And, in the cup holder was a coffee cup! And, in the floorboard was a candy bar wrapper. Her mouth watered. A candy bar. How many years now since she had tasted a candy bar?

That was when it all clicked. 

When he left the house....he was eating.  He even ate candy bars!

She felt anger. 

She didn't say anything though. She never did. 

But the realization that she was the only one not eating had her emotions go crazy. 

She didn't know it at the time but she was at least 35 lbs underweight. 

Was it her age or the lack of nourishment that caused her to believe that all of this was normal? 

It was the coffee cup and the candy bar wrapper that opened her eyes.

Woman!!! 17 years old

There was a knock on the door. Surprised she opened the door to see who it was. No one had ever come to the house before.  She spent all of her days alone with the baby who couldn't yet talk. 

She opened the door to see her husband's father. He said that her husband was going to take him to get his haircut when he got off of work. Her father-in-law didn't have a car. Someone must have dropped him off there.

She let him inside and they both sat down at the kitchen table. 

"Woman!  I'm hungry. Make me something to eat." He said.

"We don't have any food," she answered.

"Woman!  I said, make me something to eat."

Again she responded that they didn't have any food.

"WOMAN!!!  If I get up and open those cabinets I better not find any food in there!" He said angrily. 

"Ok", she said.

He stared hard at her and pushed back from the table and slowly got up. 

She watched him walk over to the first cabinet and open it up. Empty.

He walked to the next one and opened it up. Empty. 

[She was somewhat nervous as she watched him. She knew nothing was there but what exactly would he do if there was????  She was afraid to think about it. ]

And the next. And the next. He's throwing them open now. Empty.  All of them.  Completely empty. 

He walks over to the refrigerator and opens the door. Empty.

As if on cue, her husband arrives home. His father tears into him.

His father has the teen and the baby get in the car with them and they go to a little burger restaurant.  He tells her to order what she wants. She ordered a cheeseburger, fries and Coke.

She grinned and tore into the food. She drank the drink and it tasted so good!!! It all was so very good!!

But, she couldn't finish it. She could only eat half and she was so full she couldn't eat another bite.

The father-in-law was FURIOUS!!! But, the girl didn't let it bother her. She was too excited about being in a restaurant and eating food. 

Run Paulie, Run!

 Around the time of her 17th birthday

He wanted her to walk the 4 or 5 blocks again to go to the store and buy him Nyquil. They lived down in Baltimore city and it was scary walking to the store alone at night. But, this time she didn't have to walk alone. She had her 11 year old half brother/nephew with her. 

They made it to the store and bought the Nyquil and were headed back home. 

She was wearing the coat her grandmother had bought her. A green winter coat and the hat zipped up and made her look like an Eskimo. The hat extended outward so that she couldn't see anything on either side of her. Her vision was limited to only what was directly in front of her. 

They walked down the sidewalk and passed a telephone pole and she noticed a shadow to her right. And the shadow was moving along beside her. She started to turn her head to see why but that was when she felt the blow.  A boy, probably teenage, had punched her in the stomach as hard as he could.  

She felt hands all over her as she doubled over in pain. They were going through her pockets!  Inside her left pocket was her husband's checkbook and a hundred dollar bill that her grandmother had given her for Christmas.  Her grandmother who had swollen hands from arthritis yet stuffed circulars into newspapers to earn money. She grabbed the outside of her pocket and made a fist.

Still doubled over she screamed "Run Paulie, run!!!!"

She saw him take off running toward her house and the hands let go of her and as she straightened up she saw the boys, about five of them, running up the street to the left of her.

She checked her pockets. The money was still there. The checkbook was gone.

She hurt.

She started walking back home. She thought that maybe her husband would be headed toward her to help her.  She made it all the way back home never seeing him.

She made it to the house and walked inside.  There he was, sitting in the living room watching TV and eating popcorn. 

Never taking his eyes off of the TV he said, "are you alright?"

"No." She said.

He continued watching the TV as she headed to the bathroom where she began passing huge blood clots. She was pregnant.  If he didn't care about her, surely he should care about his baby. 

It wasn't until she was much older that she understood why she was having to walk to the store to get Nyquil.  She knew he wasn't sick. It dawned on her one day that she wasn't old enough to buy beer. He could have driven to the store to get it but he apparently didn't want to. So, he sent her. She couldn't buy beer, but she certainly was old enough to buy Nyquil.