Where Is He?

 The girl heard a knock at the door there at the row house they lived in. She, 16 and very pregnant, went to answer the door at night by herself. 

She turned the knob and the door pushed open. Long sharp fingernails dug into her arm as she was pushed back against the wall. 

It was the mother of her step-father's son. She was a prostitute and often her only clothing was just a bed sheet wrapped around her. She was a big girl. Very pretty but very large frame and stature. She had her "boyfriend"(?) with her.

Where is my son, she demanded. The girl froze, speechless. 

"Let her have him" came a voice from the top of the steps. The step-father. The boy came down the stairs and out the door they went out into the night.

This boy had the saddest life of anyone.  

The Games Children Play

 The girl, due to being close to giving birth, didn't go outdoors to play...but her little brother did. He didn't tell at that time what the neighborhood kids played there in the inner city of Baltimore. But eventually he did tell. He told his big sister. 

There were, and I'm certain still are, rats the size of cats in Baltimore city. You can see them in the middle of the day in the street. 

The kids played a game where they threw things at them and scored points for hitting one. 

He was pretty young when he joined in this game but as an adult he is sickened that this is what he did as a child to have something to do in the summer that he spent in Baltimore. His sister wanted to cry hearing this. 

What was his mother doing while he played with rats?

Macaroni and Cheese

 About once a week the girls husband gave her quarters so she could go to the laundry mat and wash clothes. This was pretty much the only time that she ever left the house so it was an exciting time for her. There was a tv at the laundry mat and she got to watch the game shows. The majority of her time in Baltimore she was alone without anyone to talk to. She pushed her baby in an umbrella stroller and carried the laundry up the street a few blocks or so away from the upper floor apt of a row house in Baltimore. This apt had 3 rooms. A kitchen, a bathroom and a bedroom. Every word spoken upstairs could be heard downstairs. It was better than the previous row house though. They only lived there a couple of months or so maybe.  Soon after moving in the girl heard noises in the night. She woke her husband. He said, it's just a rat in the wall. She slept restlessly. The next morning when she woke up there was a grapefruit size hole in the wall. About 2 ft from the baby's crib. She refused to ever let the baby sleep in there again. 

The girl always tried to get the clothes dried to where there might be some quarters left over. One day she had 50 cents left over!!  She stopped at a little mom and pop store on the way home from the laundry mat and bought a box of macaroni and cheese. She was so excited. She was very hungry. She stood and watched for the water to boil and finally she tore the box open and dumped the macaroni into the pot.  And floating in the water with the noodles were roach egg sacs. She wanted to cry. She looked at the box and the expiration date had come and gone 2 years prior. 

She went back to the store and spoke with the cashier. He could barely speak English. She told him the problem. He just shrugged his shoulders at her. She didn't get her money back.  Another day with nothing to eat. 

________________________________________________

To date, the girl always looks in the water to make sure there are no roach sacs in there when making macaroni and cheese. 

The Wedding Of The Girl's Mother

 The girl sat on a pew in the church by herself.

 She watched as everyone prepared to start the wedding. The grooms brother had come from Baltimore to be the best man. He was struggling with getting his tie clipped on. He looked up at her and asked if she would help him. She sat there and just looked at him unspeaking. She was wishing that she could disappear. She decided to just pretend that she didn't hear him. 

Her mother spoke up. "Help him!  She beamed. 

The 15 year old blushed uncontrollably as she approached him. Her face felt hot from the embarrassment. 

She reached up to try and figure out how to fix it. Her mother said, Smile!!!  SMILE!!!!  The girl smiled. Her mother snapped a picture. She seemed so proud. 

The girl didn't realize that her mother had come up with a plan. 

Tennessee 18/19 years old

 It was at the time that the girl was then residing with the 3rd grown man that she began having emotional issues. 

As good looking as the man was, and as nicely as he treated her, she didn't understand her role there. She didn't love him and she felt that he couldn't possibly love her...they didn't know each other. 

After so much time of abuse by the people who were supposed to love her she couldn't differentiate between what was normal and right and what wasn't. She became the one who mistreated and acted unrational. And she became very depressed. 

She made an attempt on her life but at the last moment she spit the poison out.  

She called her father crying and he sent airfare to get to Tennessee where the rest of her family was. 

As she flew into Chattanooga the plane was circling low for landing and she looked out the window and could see a big ice cream cone atop a building, people in cars driving down the street....and grass. Lots of grass. She got a big lump in her throat as she fought back tears. It looked like heaven to her. So beautiful compared to what she had just left. 

She arrived minus one child. Her beautiful son. When she had left his father two of his paternal aunts took him and wouldn't give him back. With no money, knowledge of what to do, and no family support she had no idea what to do. It tore her up inside that she wasn't able to bring him with her to a better place where her family was where she could get help. 

When she got there she told her family that she had to get him. They said no. She told them that she had a tax return check being mailed to her and she needed help getting it. $1,200. They said, forget about it. 

As it turned out...no one really wanted her there. Especially her mother it seemed. Soon after her mother left without saying anything to her. 

With only completing the 9th grade and not ever being taught to drive or taken to get a driver's license the girl felt very afraid, alone, unwanted and thought that surely she must be the scum of the earth. 

Before she left Baltimore she had already began sitting in the back seat of cars if she was taken anywhere. She felt that she wasn't good enough or important enough to sit in the front seat. Now she felt even lower than that. But when her daughter started calling her step-mother mommy and the girl by her first name.....the girl lost it. And she slunk off in the middle of the night to see if there was someone somewhere who was undesirable and unwanted such as herself. Maybe she could find someone who could find something about her that was desirable enough to love her for. Or maybe she could earn love if she was compliant and obedient. Just do whatever they say so she could be loved. Then she would have somewhere to live. She couldn't understand why she was so unwanted and unlovable. It had to be something that she was just born with. She didn't think it was something that she could change about herself. She was just born to be unwanted. 

Her shame and feelings of being less than other people led her to not being able to go to restaurants like McDonald's. She felt like when she went in the good people could tell that she wasn't like them and would want her to leave. She kept her head down and avoided making eye contact. Tried to be as invisible as she could. 

She Looks Like An Ethiopian!!

 18 years old

They let the girl leave Baltimore and go see her family in Tennessee for a visit. 

By this point her husband didn't come home from work until late in the evenings and it was a sexless marriage. He told her that her protruding pubic bone hurt him. 

At her mother's house she was given her sister's room to sleep in and as she undressed for the night her sister barged into the room. She stopped dead in her tracks, looked at her unclothed body, and yelled loudly, "she looks like an Ethiopian!!!!"

The girl laid on the bed and cried hard until she had cried herself to sleep. No one came to comfort her. No one checked her weight. No one asked her if she had food to eat up there in Baltimore. And then her husband came and she and the babies were sent back with him.

Ed - 8

 Ed took the girl to a bar with him and his brother. She had never been in a bar before. She was 17. 

There were pool tables and Ed and his brother played pool. They were talking and suddenly she was shocked to see Ed's brother punch Ed in the face.

More shocking though was the next thing she knew she was on Ed's brother's back, legs wrapped around his waist, screaming "don't hurt him! Don't hurt him!!!!!"

The brother very calmly and gently said "it's ok. It's over now. You can let go." The girl slid down. Embarrassed. 

Then somehow she was leaving with the brother without Ed and he parked his truck in his mother's driveway. They never got out. The brother played old country songs on the radio.

A song came on called Sneaky Snake and the brother started putting his hand on the girl's leg like it was a snake. She tensed up. Afraid. What would Ed do when he showed up?

They sat in the truck all night. Ed came and got her. He never said a word about any of it. 

She couldn't understand why she had reacted so strongly to him being hurt as he hurt her every day? Why? Why did she defend him? 

Ed - 7

 The girl's co-workers, and even her boss, stepped in to give her advice on how to get away safely.

The police came out and allowed her to take clothes only. She had no car so she could only take what she could carry anyway.

The apartment complex she worked at had locks on the door where you had to have a magnetic card to gain access. Her boss told her to use those foyers as a safe place. No matter what he said to not let him in.

He did show up while she was in one of the foyers. He smiled and spoke through the glass and asked her to let him in. She didn't respond. He started yelling and beating on the door but she wouldn't respond. He finally left and thankfully she never saw him again. Ever.

The Girl

 The girl, now no longer a young girl, wondered.....

.......is it possible to feel safe after being beat on? Or do you forever wonder if you say, or do, the wrong thing you may be beaten again?

......after being sexually abused can you ever trust that it won't happen again?

........after being abandoned will you worry every minute for the rest of your life that at any moment you will be abandoned again?

........after being hungry and malnourished do you forever have a love/hate relationship with food?

........once your trust is betrayed can you ever trust again?

........once rejected by those who are supposed to love you can you ever feel that you are worthy of ANYONE'S love?

.......when you lose a child does the emptiness and pain ever stop?

.......once you hear the words that make you feel you are worthless will they ever stop echoing in your head?

.......when your child calls someone else momma does your heart ever stop breaking? Or does it ache until the day you die?

........in heaven,  can you look into your children's eyes and without saying a word convey to them how you had loved them since before they were even born and that you didn't ever want to be without them and you think of them every single day and think of all of the "could have beens"?

Does the hurt girl child ever leave that place in time and become a whole woman?

Thanksgiving In Baltimore

 Thanksgiving was at the home of one of her step-dad's sisters. 

When she walked in the girl looked around and saw the kids playing in the living room. One little girl, about 6 years old, lay in the floor with her hands propping up on her chin watching TV.

The little girl's mother hollered out laughingly,  "You've got to see this!!!!  Rewind it again!!!"

The girl looked at the TV that the little girl was watching. It was porn.  Deep Throat. 

The girl wondered where her own mother was.  She found her in the kitchen with her step-dad and his uncle and uncles wife. The girls pastor from Illinois. The one who had introduced her mother to this family.

The girl felt sick to her stomach.

Ed - 6

 The nightmares had started in Michigan, followed her to Illinois, and then disrupted her sleep in Baltimore.  

She never knew when she might wake up outside or wake up to her own blood curdling screams. 

Ed accused her of things constantly.  Infidelity. The emotional and physical abuse haunted her sleep.

One night she woke running. She was running and screaming toward a bedroom wall. 

Defying gravity she felt herself up along the middle of the wall clawing and trying to climb up and away from someone or something before landing back down on the carpet.

She stood there for a minute her heavy breaths heaving her chest up and down. 

Then she turned and quietly went back to bed. 

1st Night In Baltimore

 The girl and her mother finally made it to Baltimore late at night. They spent that first night at her new step-dad's mother's mobile home.

The mobile home had 2 bedrooms.  

Upon arriving they all sat in the living room beside the front bedroom.  

Also there that night were two of the new step-dad's brothers and his mother's boyfriend.

There was a little small talk and then the step-dad's mother and her boyfriend went to bed in the front bedroom. The girl's mother and her new step dad went down the hall to the back bedroom. 

That left just the 15 year old in the living room with two grown men. No blankets, no pillows.  One of the men, the youngest, laid down on the couch to go to sleep.

The girl looked around wondering where she was supposed to sleep. There was a wide space on the floor beside the TV so she laid down there.

As soon as she laid down the other brother laid down RIGHT BESIDE her. He didn't push up to her but he was basically spooned up to her!

The girls body went stiff. Horrified.  What is he doing?she thought. Is this normal? Her mother didn't even say anything to her as she left her there with two men. 

She couldn't relax to sleep. She laid there without moving until she heard a noise and she turned her head to look and the youngest brother on the couch was acting out his dream in his sleep. The girl was shocked to see him thrusting into the couch and moaning.

Then from the back bedroom came the rocking as if there was a washing machine with a load off balance. And the squeaking of mattress springs. All the while a 34 year old man was happily snuggled up to the back of a 15 year old. 

The girl eventually was able to fall asleep but it wasn't a very restful sleep. She just wanted to make it through the night. She wondered, is this normal?? 

Ed - 5

 When co-worker's started seeing the bruises they told the girl that she needed to get away.  The girl knew she needed to get away. How exactly was she supposed to do that?  She had no money.  She had no family support. She had no friends.  

Not long before that though she had been chosen to be the person who went with the exterminator to spray the apartments for bugs. There had to be an employee with the exterminator when he entered apartments.  

David had blonde hair and blue eyes. He was a very nice man. He was probably in his late 20's to early 30's. (The girl was 18 by that point, close to 19 maybe. ) He was divorced and had a daughter about 8 years old. 

He had seen the bruises too. He asked the girl if she would like to move in with him.

The girl felt that even though she didn't really know him it surely would be safer.  She said "yes".  And, she was right.  He was a very nice man.  

David was not abusive in any way. He was a very good man. 

And, that was the problem. 

The girl was not accustomed to "normal".  And, she really didn't know how to react to it. She wasn't sure how to act.  And she felt very bad about herself for the things that she had gone through. She felt branded and like everyone could tell that she was "bad".  She desperately needed counseling but she didn't realize that. 

She wasn't with David for very long. She didn't do right by him. She fell into a very deep depression.  And, then she attempted suicide.  

She's Crazy!!

 Around 40 years old.

She was talking to her mother on the phone and expressed something to her that her sister had said that had upset her. 

Her mother became angry and disgusted and said "don't listen to her!!!  She's crazy!!!!" And then called her by her sister's name. Her mother was confused as to which daughter she was talking to. 

She had always known how her mother felt about her, but hearing her say it and hearing the disdain in her voice ......

Later she would tell her, "you're hard to love.

Ed - 4

 They were sitting out in front of the apartment building. The girl had never seen Ed look so nice. His hair looked neat and had hairspray on it. 

She wanted to pay him a compliment so she told him that he looked nice and gently patted his hair.

"Great!!!!  Thanks!!!  Are you happy now??", he screamed...as he used his hand to completely mess up his hair and then picked his nose and smeared it into his moustache.

Ed - 3

 The girls family wanted her daughter to spend time with them in TN. Now, her step-mother and little brother were coming to get her.

The girl was in a panic. She was afraid someone would end up getting hurt. She didn't want her family hurt. She needed to get away but she didn't know how. She couldn't tell them because she knew that Ed would be right there watching everyone.  She wondered if she could signal somehow. No. That would be too risky.  Her only hope was that her step-mother might sense the situation and come back with help and get her out of there.  The girl's fear was that her step-mother would be hurt. That his anger would be aroused because of her. Unexpectedly, it ended up being her brother that caused him to become angry. 

The exchange was very quick.  They came in and got the baby and her things and were ready to leave. The girl had missed her brother so much and her heart was just swelling with love for him.  Ed noticed. 

They turned to leave and said goodbye.  The girl raced upstairs to watch them leave hoping that they weren't really going to leave her there. 

She looked out the window. She heard Ed come into the room.  

"You wanted to sleep with him didn't you?", he said between gritted teeth. 

The girl looked puzzled.  

"Who?"

"Your brother!!!!!"

(He was only 13 years old!!)

The girl took a quick look out the window as their car slowly backed up out of the parking lot as Ed's hands slammed against her ears. She dropped like a sack of potatoes. 

The girl didn't notice that her ears were bruised. But at work....her co-workers did. 

Ed - 2

 One day Ed wanted the girl to make mashed potatoes.  He was in a very bad mood.  She knew that if she didn't do it exactly right that things would get very bad. 

She didn't know if he wanted real mashed potatoes or instant. She was too afraid to ask. She chose wrong. 

Ed walked into the kitchen and saw that she had not made what he had wanted. 

He screamed in anger and grabbed the pot of mashed potatoes and flung them onto the ceiling. 

He grabbed the girl and drug her to the door and flung her outside and locked the door. 

She sat on the step for about an hour.  No coat. No shoes. In the snow. 

He finally opened the door. All smiles. Let's eat!!

Ed - 1

 17 years old

The girl lived with Ed for 9 months. The story of how she got there can't be told yet becauseno one wouldunderstand. He was 45. He was mean. He was sick minded. The girl was terrified of him. She was so afraid of him that she was too afraid to even tell anyone because she was afraid that he would hurt the person she told. She did sneak off to a payphone once and called the police. She told the police that he was telling her that he was going to kill her. The police, "it's just words".  

Every day for 9 months Ed physically abused her in one manner or another.  Most things that happened in those 9 months she will never tell another living soul. 

But she had food.  Every day she had food. 

She had gotten a job at the apartment complex she lived in. Before she left her husband he had made her get a job. Her son was just a little baby. She hated leaving her babies with the baby sitter. The baby sitter was a young girl herself and also had a small baby. Her husband wasn't coming home until late at night. His sisters told her how to get set up on food stamps.  He was wanting to escape and leave her on her own. 

Ed lived nearby in another section of the apartment complex. He was a painter.

One day a girl that worked for the apartment complex wanted to be her friend. They were about the same age. The girl was excited to find a friend. But, the new friend showed up at her apartment one day. This was bad.  Very bad. Because it wasn't a safe place to be.

The new friend showed up unexpectedly and was let in. Ed was being friendly and smiling. Smiling and nice words was just a ploy for Ed to make you feel relaxed.  The girl had learned that him smiling could be very dangerous.  But her friend didn't know that.

Ed looked at the girl and said, "you need to use the bathroom.  Go now."

The girl was afraid for her friend. She couldn't leave her alone with him.  She told Ed that she didn't need to go to the bathroom.  

Ed smiled at her and repeated himself. She again said that she didn't need to go. He screamed at her "go to the bathroom now!!!!"

The girl started to head in that direction when her friend stood up for her.  She berated him for treating her bad. 

Ed grabbed the girl and flung the apartment door open and shoved her off the top of the stairs.

As the girl fell she could hear her friend screaming. 

The friend descended the stairs and told the girl that she needed to get away quick.  But the girl couldn't. She had nowhere else to go.  She had no choice but to go back inside the apartment and face Ed.

Ed. The one story the girl very rarely speaks of. The worst part of her life.

The Crayon Tip - 12/13?

"You've got one hour to clean your room," her dad said.

She looked around. It really wasn't dirty. It wouldn't take long. She picked things up and put them away. She got the broom and swept. 

Her dad had been keeping time. He appeared in the doorway. Everything looked fine.  Then he looked down. Right by his left foot. The tip of a crayon.  

Horror stricken she thought.. he put it there???

"What's this?" The anger flashed across his face. His brown eyes hard and beady as he slid it out of the loop s of his pants. After a few minutes still not satisfied he flipped it around and let the metal of the buckle land across her back a few times. 

 

Born Bad

 The girl had always felt unwanted. Unloved, unwanted, inferior, scum of the earth from birth.

She longed to be like other people who she called "the good people".

She supposed that they were just born good as she was apparently born bad. Could she do something to become one of the good people?  She didn't think so. 

She wished that it was at least not so noticeable. She felt like it must be marked across her forehead. Beware! Bad person! Mistreat and abuse at will!  She deserves it. She was born bad!