The Crayon Tip - 12/13?

"You've got one hour to clean your room," her dad said.

She looked around. It really wasn't dirty. It wouldn't take long. She picked things up and put them away. She got the broom and swept. 

Her dad had been keeping time. He appeared in the doorway. Everything looked fine.  Then he looked down. Right by his left foot. The tip of a crayon.  

Horror stricken she thought.. he put it there???

"What's this?" The anger flashed across his face. His brown eyes hard and beady as he slid it out of the loop s of his pants. After a few minutes still not satisfied he flipped it around and let the metal of the buckle land across her back a few times. 

 

Born Bad

 The girl had always felt unwanted. Unloved, unwanted, inferior, scum of the earth from birth.

She longed to be like other people who she called "the good people".

She supposed that they were just born good as she was apparently born bad. Could she do something to become one of the good people?  She didn't think so. 

She wished that it was at least not so noticeable. She felt like it must be marked across her forehead. Beware! Bad person! Mistreat and abuse at will!  She deserves it. She was born bad!

Sleeping Arrangements

 The little house had only one bedroom so the teen slept on the couch. 

She didn't mind. But every morning she was awakened by the girlfriend exercising.  The girlfriend would do toe touches, and her legs would be spread wide open as she touched first one toe and then the other. And because the girl slept on her side the first thing the girl would see every morning was the crouch of the girlfriends panties. 

The girl found this unpleasant.  

Her father used to lay in the floor in his underwear and have her rub his back, scratch his back and pound his back, butt and legs for an hour at a time. She took this time to quietly tell him that this morning routine was unpleasant.  Her thought was that maybe she could turn a different direction but he said that from now on the girlfriend would wake her up and she would go get in bed with her him.

She did this for 3 nights and she went to him again that this plan wasn't a good one either. Each morning as she got in bed beside him he would reach over and rub her butt thinking it was his girlfriend. 

And that was how she came to have her bedroom in the unfinished concrete basement on a cot with a kerosene heater for heat. It was the best sleeping arrangement and she was there until the attempts to end her pregnancy failed. At that point she was sent back to her mother and her mother's new husband.  And there the screaming night terrors and sleep walking started back up 

Meeting Dad's Girlfriend

 Once back in Illinois she was taken to her dad's house where he was living with his girlfriend. 

She was excited. She new the girlfriend was just 6 years older than her.  She thought that they could be great friends. And she would see how other people lived. She could learn how to be like everyone else!  She could then fit in to society and people her age. She was so tired a people telling her that she was weird or that her family was weird.  She was going to learn how to be normal!!

She arrived to their house at dinner time. She sat directly across the table from the girlfriend. Her father was to her right. The girl studied the girlfriend. Just being curious. Wonderingwhat she was like. The girlfriend didn't say anything. 

The girlfriend ate salad. The teen and her father ate a hamburger. The girlfriend had Thousand Island on the table and dad was putting it on his hamburger. Strange!  The girl asked about it and was told it was Big Mac special sauce. Oh!!!  Yum! She learned something exciting and new.

They ate in total silence. The girl would look down at her plate and grab her burger, lift it to her mouth to take a bite and her gaze would naturally go to the person sitting directly opposite her. The girlfriend .

After dinner the girlfriend went to the kitchen to wash dishes. 

"Go wash the dishes for her," her father said.

The girl jumped up and walked into the kitchen. 

"Dad wants me to wash the dishes," the girl shyly said.

"I can wash the dishes myself!!," she responded. 

The girl walked out of the kitchen and back into the dining room.

"I said, go wash the dishes for her!" her father said.

She turned and took 2 steps back into the kitchen.

"Dad said...

"NO!! She snapped.

Two steps back to the dining room.

"I SAID WASH THE DISHES FOR HER!!"

Two steps back to the kitchen.   

"I'm finished," said the girlfriend.

This entire scene unfolded two nights in a row. Each night no one talked. She ate salad. The girl and her father ate a hamburger. A struggle ensued over the dishes. Afterwards, just silence.

The third night. The girl bit into her hamburger and her gaze drifted up toward the girlfriend who never lifted her head to look toward her while she ate. 

All of a sudden the girlfriend jumps up screaming!

"She's staring at me!!!!  She hates me!!!!!"

The girl ran through her dad's bedroom to get to the only bathroom in the house, ran in, slammed the door and squatted up on top of the toilet seat trying to make herself small. Small enough hopefully that she would disappear.  

The door literally ripped off the hinge and there stood the girlfriend still screaming "she hates me, she hates me!!!"

Her father was right behind her gently pulling her back..."now, now, she doesn't hate you."

The best friends idea faded away from the teens mind. Nope. She was still a friendless outcast wanted by NO ONE 

Grandma's House

 Grandma took her from the foster home and brought her to her home in Ohio. 

The girl didn't show much emotion on the outside but she was so happy to be there. She didn't want to ever leave. Not ever. 

Her grandmother tried to talk to her about what was troubling her but she just laid her head in grandma's lap and sobbed uncontrollably. Grandma soothed the girls hair with her hand. Affection. She soaked it up. She felt loved. The girl thought to herself that she would be the girl her grandmother wanted her to be. She would make her happy. She wouldn't get into any trouble of any kind.

Unfortunately, unknown to the girl, the boy who had asked her to the prom was sending letters. She never saw any of them. Her grandmother was opening them and reading them. And apparently, they were vulgar. 

Also unfortunately, she had been seen walking to her aunts house smoking. 

So, one of the aunts took her bowling and gently let her know that grandma was aware of the cigarettes and that she was afraid that the girl would get pregnant under her watch. That couldn't happen. So, she would be returning to Illinois via a Greyhound bus. 

The girls heart was shattered. You couldn't tell it by looking at her face though. No emotion.  She was just dying inside. 

She was quickly put on a Greyhound. An older girl sat beside her and started up a conversation. Would you like to see a picture of my boyfriend she asked?  Ok, said the teen. The girl pulls out a Polaroid of her boyfriend laying on his back in a bed. Completely naked. She had actually never seen a naked man before.  She didn't know what to say. So, she didn't say anything. She just went back to scribbling in her notebook.  Her seat mate asked her, what are you waiting?  The teen flipped the notebook toward her where she could see it and proudly showed her that she was making little arrows to write her name. You know, cute little girly stuff like other girls her age probably did too.  The girl in the next seat suddenly asked, how old are you?  Fifteen, said the teen. Her new friend stayed mostly quiet for the rest of the trip.

The Prom 15 years old

 

She was asked to the prom by the first guy that ever took notice of her. She felt a moment of excitement followed by sadness. What is a prom like?  All of the other kids will be there too. She wouldn't fit in. But, it was a prom!  And she was asked to go!  She was a little apprehensive about it yet excited. Yes, she thought to herself. I will go to the prom. I will!

She continued walking home from school. She approached her mother at home and simply said, I was asked to the prom.

Her mother tilted her head back and laughed and sneered at her. YOU aren't going to a prom!!  She looked at the teen with contempt, ridicule and as if she had just made the most ludicrous statement that she had ever heard.

The teen just walked away feeling again as if she obviously wasn't like the other kids. An outcast. She never brought the subject up again. And she never had an opportunity to attend a prom again. It turned out that that was her only chance.

Years later she got to see what a prom looked like when her own daughter attended a prom. Her daughter even invited her to stay there with her. No, she just wanted a peak at what it was like. She didn't want to ruin her daughter's special night. She was excited and emotional that her daughter looked gorgeous and she wanted her to have great memories of that night. She got to see what her heart had yearned to see for years. A high school prom.